Was I drunk when we got married?????

There is nothing quite like having a baby to really highlight the fact that sometimes

YOUR HUSBAND IS A REAL DIPSHIT!

Now before you go all Kayne West on me, just think about it for a minute. I don't care how wonderful of a guy you think you married, you have never before had to judge him based on his abilities to take care of a tiny human without bowel control.

He is really hoping I know what the hell I am doing with this baby

This being said, I do admit that I have a good husband. He is hardworking, honest, loyal, and a good dad. I think he tries hard to help me with the kids most days. Occasionally though,  he pulls some crap that makes me want to drop kick him into next century.

The funny thing is, I polled my friends and co-workers on this subject. I promised ahead of time to not use any names or specifics so that no ones husband would get their camo up their ass about it. Turns out, I don't even have to be anonymous about it, they can all be f&cktards! Every single story and example I got from these girls, WHERE THE EXACT THINGS MY OWN HUSBAND DOES!!!!  Maybe they have a group that meets up and decides what dumb thing they are going to pull next. It probably meets right after the "Tiffany is an unsavory bitch club"- My husband sometimes serves as president, treasurer, and head of marketing for this group!

So I have comes up with a list of ways that having a baby really highlights what a dipshit your husband can be. (Obviously honey, none of these are about you)

Seriously, was I drunk when we got married????

1. After the baby cries for more then about 5 secs, they just look at you like you are supposed to do something. Or they same something along the lines of, "You are going to have to do something'" Well CHIEF, don't you think that if I knew what was wrong with the baby or what to do about it, I would have already done it. I don't generally save that info for a rainy day.

2. When you are at home, he does whatever he can to have minimal responsibility for the above mentioned screaming tiny human, but Shepherd of Judea, when you are in public suddenly he is Father of the Friggin Year. Sure honey, you carry the baby into the restaurant, I'll just pack the diaper bag, my purse, and the car seat. When people stop him with the cute tiny human, he pretends this is not the first time he has held the baby all day.

3. He pulls the infamous opposite gender card.... "I cant change a little girls diaper, It just ain't right." Oh, so now he has no idea what a vagina looks like. Hmmm....funny I was thinking that might have been how we got into this little situation to start with.

4. Your husband can sit on the couch for 8 hours straight and watch Breaking Bad, but when he asked to babysit, "You know he just cant stay in the house all day, it will drive him crazy." Well Buckwheat,  do you think I like staying home all weekend with Osama Bin Laden and The Taliban? Well, NO I DON'T. But you are so busy "running to town to get gas" or "working on the duckblind" that I cant leave this hellhole. Here is my thoughts on that, charity starts at home boys. You want to do some work on a Saturday, I have 2 toilets you can clean and stack of laundry that needs folding. Next time I hear him say, "We are having a work day at the duckblind" I am literally going to go bat shit crazy because EVERYDAY AT MY HOUSE IS A WORKDAY!

He cant ever seem to stay awake when he is charge of the baby??

5. Someone asks how the baby is sleeping and your husband answers "pretty good." Well, as far as he knows that must be true because apparently it would take a MACK truck running through our bedroom to wake sleeping beauty at night. He can hear a dear piss from 150ft away in the dark, but the kids can be in the bed next to him screaming and he "just can't hear them."

6. On the off chance he does take the baby off your hands so you can lets say, pee or shower perhaps..... he will stand about 10 feet away from you at all times. When crib midget cries it will be your fault "because you spoil the baby".






So in order to make up for this unfair advantage that guys seem to have in the playing stupid department, I have come up with tricks of my own. I encourage you to use them frequently.

-When i got pregnant 4 years ago I told Josh he had to take over scooping the cats litter box. Every time he implies that I could start doing that again I just tell him that your not supposed to do that once your have had a baby.
-I absolutely refuse to touch the garbage, that is strictly a man job in my house. It pisses him off that I will walk by the trashcan with it overflowing. He will say, "Are you just going to let the trash run over into the kitchen floor?"  WHAT, ME NO SPEAKA NO ENGLISH?????????
- As far as he knows, I can only lift about 4 pounds without assistance. In the event I have to help lift something, I whine...A LOT!
-I have refused to learn how to operate the zero turn mower. When I do something outside, I always make sure and do a half ass job of it because I know it will irritate him. He usually never asks me to do it again.

So there.  Child rearing will probably never truly be a 50/50 deal, but I'm at least getting my 80/20.
Even though I know I give my husband a hard time, I truly do appreciate the things he does for our family. Without him we would be living in a pile of garbage, surrounded by cat shit, with a lawn that was cut without diagonal lines in it.  Love ya Honey!!!!! :)