Shut the front door...you did what?

There is nothing quite as special as the first time your kid decides to take a crap in the tub. Guarantee that it will happen to you at some point in your life as a parent. Actually, the first time that it happens, you should get your official "I'm an real parent" badge. Its an initiation of sorts, except at the end, there is no frat party and you may never be able to eat milk duds again without gagging a little bit.

He is the cutest little time bomb I have ever seen!

I remember when Tripp did it for the first time, he was about a year old. I was giving him a bath, and I turned my back to get a towel out of the closet to dry him off with. When I turned back around the next few seconds seemed to go in slow motion.

Here is what subconscious me said to actually me.
First- What is that brown stuff floating all in the water?????
Second- Did he have a toy or something that he ripped apart in 3 seconds- what, is he a rabid animal?
Third- Oh, No......It couldn't be.
Fourth- Oh Tripp, how could you?
Fifth- Please tell me that is not a sess pool of shit floating around my kid. 
MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Very briefly, (only because it is human nature and not because you are a bad mom) you will try to think of an exit strategy. At my house the rule is "Finders Keepers." That is unless you are Josh.... his personal rule is "Finders Keepers, unless it's him that finds it, then he must think of a creative way to hide it until Tiffany finds it again."   Once you realize that you are indeed the finder of this glorious wastewater, you will quickly move onto acceptance.

Okay self, I have to bathtub full of shit and a one year old that is sitting in it marinating.  Choke down the vomit and lets get down to BID-NES.  Once I have reached the acceptance stage,  I pull myself together and start operation DEFCON SHAT.

First and foremost- remove tiny human from the sewage. You will be distracted by all the poop floating around, but don't make any attempt to clean it yet. Turn on the shower and hold up Sir Poop-A-Lot like Simba on The Lion King. Use the shower to remove any solid poo from tiny human. As quickly as possible, move the above mentioned child to another bathroom or sink if necessary. Defunk your kid first, the bathtub can wait, believe me...no many how many times you close your eyes and wish that it would just go away, IT WILL STILL BE THERE.

At this point, see if you can get your partner to at least take care of rebathing the kid.
#1- The little turd (no pun intended) is unlikely to poo again, so partner gets one poo free bath duty
#2  Also, the other option is for you to clean up the baby and your spouse to take bathroom clean up duty.NOT GONNA HAPPEN MY FRIENDS. 

Now you have two options for the bathroom:
#1 You can burn it down

or

#2 You can man up and throw on your HAZMAT suit and get to work.

Mom, why the long face, I'm having lots of fun`

Assuming you have picked option 2- you will need bleach spray, lots of bleach.  This is not a job for 409 or Scrubbing Bubbles. We are talking about turds hanging out in your spa, you are gonna want to pull out the big guns. Unless its one big floater- you have to drain the water first. With any luck, some of it will go down the drain to NeverNever Land.  Next, the solid must be collected.  I got nothing for you on this one, anyway you do it, it will be disgusting. I would recommend a peppermint or something in your mouth to keep you from gagging and puking, mostly because at this point you would be forced to clean up your own vomit along with the turd festival already going on in the tub. Lastly, I would use multiple rounds of bleach-soaking of the tub to ensure eradication of the feces.

Anyway you spin it, it's gonna be a nasty job. Just suck it up, and get it done ASAP. I have found the longer it takes you, the more time you spend looking at the disaster and the more likely you are to have flashbacks later in life. Your kids will never appreciate all the disgusting things you do for them, but that's okay because being a mom is all guts, no glory.