Three is the New Two....Write That Down

The terrible twos....I think I have heard that phrase my whole life. So I had braced myself when Tripp was getting close to that age for a year of hell. When we made it to 3, I thought the worse was behind us. Yeah, not so much. Three has been about 100 times harder than 2.  It's not just my kid either, I know lots of moms that claim that the sheer awfulness of age 3 has drove them to start popping birth control pills like its their J-O-B!!  So here are some reasons that Age 3 is truly a special kind of awful.

Looks like he is hugging his monkey..WRONG!
The monkey apparently got mouthy
 and Tripp is showing him who is boss. 

1. Your kid has learned to argue.
When they are two- they don't listen. Not at all! They do whatever they want,  and they might throw a tantrum if they don't get their way. I was prepared for this. At age three, they still do the same things, except they want to argue with you about it too. You ever tried to argue with a drunk girl at a bar....its kind like that. Lots of crying and falling all over themselves. Blubbering things that don't make since. There is no reasoning with them either. I don't care if I have told my son l000 times that he is only going to have one glass of chocolate milk before bed, he starts in immediately to get another glass. It usually starts out with "but I need more, my mouth is thirsty." Then we digress into, "You can't tell me nothing about chocolate milk, don't talk about my chocolate milk." Like the fact that I don't him to drink 3 cups and then proceed to piss himself in the middle of the night is somehow and insult to his chocolate milk?

2. They are fast
Kids are pretty quick when they start to walk. They can be gone in a flash. By age 2, this is getting worse but their legs are short enough that you still have the advantage. By age 3, Tripp has turned into a F*cking Kenyan. I mean, it doesn't take 3 seconds now for him to be clear out of my reach. I have always thought those kid leashes were incredibly tacky, but now I totally get it. If using an electric collar was socially acceptable, I would be strapping that bad boy on him.

Olympic sprinter in training

3. They can remember everything
When Tripp was 2, he was a pretty smart little thing. He would remember things that I told him for periods of time, but usually I could distract him with other things if I needed to. Now at 3, he has got a steel trap up there. Months can literally pass between the time I tell him something and the time that he calls me out on it. "Hey momma, remember when you told me we could ride that train at the mall next time we went???" Well shit, that was 4 months ago. There is nothing I love more than paying 4 dollars a person (yes thanks for charging me too, because obviously I'm not going to put my 3 year old on the train that is driven by a 16 year pothead in the mall by himself) to squeeze my a$$ into the caboose of the mail train. The entire 10 minute ride, Tripp sings the train song LOUDLY, and waves at everyone like he is Ms America.

4. They start using their words to hurt you
When Tripp was 2, we went through a little biting spell along with a brief slapping spell. Those felt like pretty normal behaviors and although it was slightly embarrassing in public if your kid slapped you like a pimp, I felt like people understood. Now, he knows what will happen if he tries to bite or slap me (don't ask), so he chooses to try to hurt my feelings instead when he is mad at me. Whats so bad about that you say???? Sounds better than everyone thinking your kid is some sort of future wife beater...WRONG. You don't know embarrassment until your kid is pissed at you in a public place and they start slurring 3 year old vulgarities like some sort of midget with Tourette's. "Momma, you are a dumb butt. And I'm not going to play with your anymore. I'm NOT going to be your best POKEY BOY anymore. And if you are not nice to me, I'm gonna spank your butt, you fart knocker!" So not only is my kid going to be a wife beater, he is also going to be a little dbag too.

Tripp please don't use those stamps as stickers...
"Momma, don't talk about my stickers or I will cut you"

5. They are bigger and stronger.
From the very first day I took Tripp to daycare- he cried. I figured he would get over it. Well he didn't, 3 years later, he still cries. At least when he was 2, I could usually hand him over to his teacher and tell him goodbye. It was hard to leave a crying baby, but I knew he would calm down shortly after I left. At age 3, he has become a stage 3 clinger. Sometimes he requires surgical removal from me in the mornings when I try to leave. If you are not careful, once you get him detached, he will pull a fast one on you and get a hold of you again only to start the process over. Now instead of feeling like I am in control of the drop off, as soon as they get the barnacle off me, I make a break for it. Sometimes knocking down other parents with more well adjusted children on their way in. "Sorry no time for chatting, I'm in stealth mode"

So, if you think 2 is a hard age, your in for a real treat at 3. Honestly at this point, I can't think about 4. I would like to think that it gets better, but I'm not going to count on it. Hopefully at that point, he will have become more reasonable, or I will have found a way to get my hands on a higher dose of Prozac.