Surviving a Walmart Tantrum

I am in the beloved Walmart the other day when I witness an all too common occurrence. A momma, close to my age,  was trying to wrestle with her toddler that was in the throws of a stage 4 all-out meltdown. I'm talkin...screamin, crying, wallerin around, full-on tantrum. I've been there. Tripp was actually so bad that there are 3 times I remember leaving a cart full of groceries and just hauling ass out of there. I wanted to march over and help the girl so bad, but I'm sure she was unaware of my celebrity status as "The Medical Momma." In all likelihood, that would have ended up with me being arrested or something. So instead, I thought I would come home and blog about it!

So what do you do when your kid loses it at Walmart?? Lucky for you, I have some tips for you.

1. Prevention is the key.
It is altogether a bad plan to take your children to Walmart to do your actual "grocery shopping." Running in for an item or two, that might be possible, but if you are planning on going for a full on, push your cart down every aisle sort of trip, try like hell to find a babysitter for an hour or so. I understand that this is not possible for some of you. That blows. So moving on to more tips.

2. Use a stroller
Sounds weird, but if you are only going in for small items, I had more luck using a stroller instead of a cart. One reason is, those disgusting carts have about a 97.9% likelihood of a having a faulty or non-existent seat belt. If you can't strap a toddler in, you are pretty much just asking for trouble. Get a stroller hook and use it to hook a shopping basket or a bag to the stroller. Then bask in the glory of having your kid strapped into a device that also includes a cupholder for yourself (SCORE!)

Look who is so happy that mommy has a place for her Sonic Diet Vanilla Coke

3. Bring snacks
The number one reason my kid melts down is hunger. I have no idea why instead of just telling me that he is hungry, he just loses his #%*. I like to call it "low blood sugar Tripp." He's real fun, you should meet him. If you don't have a snack with you, get something from the shelf and open it. Just pay for it at the counter. If any Walmart employee tries to get scrappy with you about it, offer them a swift kick in the A$$.

4. Let them hold something
So I know that you can't buy a toy every time you go to the store. But Osama Jr doesn't know this. Sometimes,  I will let him hold something for awhile until he  A) loses interest or B) Its time to check out. At this point, you have to decide what a peace treaty is worth to you. Sometimes, I pull a fast one and mumble something to him about how the toy has to go take a nap back on the shelf. Sometimes, I decide that $11.99 is totally worth me not having to deal with a cash register freak out. Nevertheless, at least you have bought yourself some time to shop.

5. Never...I repeat..NEVER let them out of the cart!
So at some point, the little snot rocket will convince you that if they can only get out of the cart and walk beside you, they will behave. Well, THEY LIE!!! You do that, and next thing you know, they are playing a little game of hide and seek in the clothing section. Whatever ridiculousness is going on in your shopping cart, at least it is contained.

The one and only time I let him push one of these babies...he tried to mow down a group of elderly ladies in the deli area

6. Know when to fold em... A Walmart tantrum is not the time to prove a point to your kid. Before you start thinking I'm a pushover, hear me out. I am definitely not one to let my kid use me a whipping post, but I'm (wo)MAN enough to fold my cards until we get home. Let them think they won the argument while your shopping. Its not the time to drop the bomb on Hiroshima. If you want to go judge Judy on their a$$, wait until you get home. You are never going to have the upper hand at Walmart, ever. There is too many people watching. The cuteness of your kid is deceptive to strangers. You will always come out looking like the psychopath that forgot to take her happy medicine. 

7. Have a "sh*t is about to get real cue."
This lets the kid know you have moved on from mad, to angry, then over the edge to DMX mode .

"Y'all gonna make me lose my mind, UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE" (you know you are singing it.)

For me, it's the dreaded mom count. "1...2....then I don't know what happens at 3, but neither does Tripp. Apparently, he doesn't want to find out either.  I bet he thinks to himself, "this B can only count to 2 and a half." You CAN NOT over utilize this! It has to be the last straw before you throw the crib midget over your shoulder and get out of dodge.

Sometimes, no matter what you do, you can't prevent the Walmart meltdown. Mentally prepare yourself that at some point your child is going to assume the posture of an overcooked spaghetti noodle when they don't get their way. Just do your best to keep calm and not do anything that might get child services interested in your parenting skills. Eventually they will stop wanting to be seen with you in Walmart period, so there is light at the end of the tunnel! Until then, stand strong and don't to forget to swing by the pharmacy to pick up your Prozac...that stuff really makes life more tolerable.