Home Remedies...Karen Style

As I write this, I know my mother will claim that she knows nothing about any of this information I am about to type. That's okay Kar-on because we all know how things used to go down when we were little. There was a general lack of what I would call "preventative medical care."  I do remember going to the doctor occasionally, but most medical dilemmas were addressed by the one and only Dr. Karen.

She only had a few different treatments, but no matter what your disease was they always could be treated in one of the following ways.

1. A cold wet rag to the head and neck- Generally she would supply this for you and rewet it as tolerated. This was often the treatment for symptoms like nausea, vomiting, fever, or overheating. Important note, once your rag became the same temperature as your skin, it was no longer effective.

2. Take a bath- This was the prescription you got if you were feeling whiny or achy perhaps. Usually you would get in there only to find that there were 15 empty bottles of shampoo and absolutely no soap or conditioner within a 10 mile radius of the house.

3. Get some sunshine- So advances in medicine would probably disagree with Dr. Karen on this one considering the huge anti-sunshine campaign right now. She frequently recommended this treatment for general malaise. Maybe you just had a lead ass that day or were feeling kind of down in the dumps, leave it to her to push you out the door for a session of sunshine. Thanks mom, my dermatologist thanks you too. He just built a giant house that I am helping him pay for with all my mole removals.

4. Take a nap- This one was quite a rare suggestion. Not sure why, considering most of the above complaints were fatigue related.  Often this one was reserved for truly sick kids (ones that had some bodily fluid projecting from them spontaneously). Lots of times, this nap would take place on a floor vent while the heater was running. We would set up shop with a pillow and blanket and make ourselves a little heat cocoon. In the event the heat kicked off, we would usually go crank it up so it would come back on. Yeah that really pissed my dad off. Oops, guess I shouldn't have spilled the beans but how else do you think the thermostat got turned up to 92 degrees?

5. As an absolute last resort- One Tylenol. If all other above methods had failed, you were dispensed one of these bad boys. It could have possible been from a bottle from the early 80's but when she got down to this, you know there was some desperation there. So rather than just die, you took it against your better judgment. It also didn't matter what dose of Tylenol your age or weight recommended. You only got 1. Any more than 1 was "Too much medicine."

With all that in mind, I guess I did live. If anything, natural selection didn't get me so I think I'm probably better for it.  So one day when my kids are making fun of my remedies, what are they going to say I used to do for them?????

1. Lansinoh Butt Cream- comes in a purple tube. Will heal a red monkey butt like no ones business.

2. A hot shower- I mean seriously, tell me on one occasion that you didn't feel better after a hot shower.

3. A heating pad- My 3 year old already refers to it as "the hot, " and tries to argue with me that I am not sharing it equally with him.

4. Applying Vicks Vapor rub to the feet for a cough. I literally have no medical explanation for this one, it just works.

So I'm pretty much turning into my mom. I guess it was bound to happen eventually.