If You Thought Ebola Was Scary, You Will Be Terrified of This!

Oh, you knew it was going to happen. The Medical Momma was going to have a rather uncensored opinion about this Ebola business.  I started not to write this, because I know that there are some people out there that have some rather strong opinions on the subject, but then I realized that has never stopped me before. So, here ya go!

Quit freaking out! Just quit. I'm not saying that Ebola is not deadly. Certainly it can be. Guess what else is deadly. THE FLU. THE IN-FLU-FREAKING-ENZA. Now that sh#t will kill you.  I promise. I had it back in 2008 when the flu decided to mutate before it made it over to the US, and the flu shot did not cover the mutated strain.  I spent about 7 full days in bed.  Not joking. I thought I was going to die. I didn't get up to pee for about 4 of those days because there was no fluid left in my body.  Every time my fever would spike to 103 or 104 I would just sweat it out.  It's really a wonder that I lived, considering the one and only Josh Bailey was my caretaker.  He mostly just peeked into the bedroom every 12 hours or so and ask me if I was still alive behind his respirator and HAZMAT suit.  I was 24 at the time and reasonably healthy.

This person does not have the flu

This pretty much what I looked like with the flu if I had the energy to actually crawl to the bathroom or dress.
 http://www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com

Every year we see people come in with flu and ultimately die. Mostly the very young and very old, but how about last year when the flu seemed to target people 18-49??? Guess what, some of those people died too.  I say all this to say that even though the flu is literally ALL AROUND US every year, we have not talked about it as much in the 12 years I have been in the medical field than we have talked about Ebola over the last 2 weeks.

My absolute favorite is when people claim they don't want a flu shot because...
1. "It gives me the flu"
2. "It makes me sick"
3. "It makes me catch everything all winter"
4. "I never take the flu shot"

Let me just give you a little free medical lesson. When you get the flu shot, a tiny bit of DEAD virus is introduced to your immune system. Once your immune system meets it, it spends the next 2 weeks mass producing a little army that stays alert and ready to fight the virus if it ever sees it. While your body is making that army, it can make you have some MILD flu-like symptoms, Its just because your immune system is working at such a rapid pace.  If you think a few days of some body aches are equivalent to having the flu, you are so very wrong. Even the flu mist nasal spray that is a live virus (the part if the virus that allows it to make you sick has been deactivated though) does not really give you the flu. Actually it does a slightly better job of helping you create your army.

Why? Why all the alarmist?  Why have 2 cases of Ebola in Texas become such a huge thing?

1. It's News
If this is the first time you have realized that the media likes to take things and blow them out of proportion, you must be dumb or just plain stupid.  I honestly don't watch the news much anymore, because I think they are all a bunch of fearmongers.  People like watching what is interesting. They are tugging at that fear we all have deep down inside us that some  plague-like illness that is going to sweep the globe.  Next week it will probably be that the new iphone is so freaking smart it can transmit Cholera over from third world nations. Take the news with a grain of salt. And a lime. And tequila.

2. There is no vaccine or "treatment"
Yikes, that sounds scary. Who wouldn't want to know how to avoid a disease without any treatment or any vaccine available.  Have you ever thought about the thousands of viruses out there that we have no vaccine or treatment??? Matter of fact, influenza is one of the very few viruses we have a way to prevent, and you fools won't take the damn vaccine.  The human body is designed to fight off these illness. It is just smart like that.

3. The public overestimates their true exposure risk.
Have you all every been in a code blue?  Probably not, but let me tell you... They are bloody. And there is usually some vomit going on,  in a fountain spewing style.  Intubation patients, placing emergency femoral or central lines, inserting foleys and NG tubes and managing dialysis catheters are all very messy procedures. Even if you are fully gowned and gloved, the likelihood of coming into contact with a bodily fluid is high.  So general public, let me just say, I doubt that even if you sat next to someone with Ebola on a plane, that you were dropping an NG tube down their esophagus. You probably haven't recently coded anyone in Hobby Lobby that vomited every time you did a chest compression (that actually happened to me once- In Hobby Lobby). Casual contact with individuals (even ones that have been exposed to Ebola), is very unlikely to spread the disease. So just avoid doing any medical procedures on anyone in the grocery store and you should be fine.

4. There are rumors floating around that Ebola is airborne.
Lets do a little math lesson. In addition to that we are going to add in a little common sense lesson as well.  Ebola has been discovered in 1989.  It has in all likelihood been around longer than that and we just didn't know what it was.  If it were able to be transmitted through the air, a hell of alot more people would have it at this point and time. Here is where the math comes in. Think of how many people you come within 6 feet of in a days time??? If it was airborne the number of cases would be rising in an exponential fashion.  Think about it, the main reason it is spread so easily in the nations of West Africa is because of there overall lack of appropriate sanitation and clean water supplies.  The only two people that have contract the virus in America so far were nurses that were taking care of a dying patient in the ICU.  If it was airborne, why did everyone that came into contact with that man have it by now?  (including all the of the people that were taking care of him because they even found out he had Ebola)  I seriously doubt that the ER and EMS personnel that helped that poor man had much on other than  (maybe) gloves.  Its not airborne. Chill out.

5. Sometimes the health care providers are just as clueless as the general public
I dont say that to make you lose faith in Nurses, Doctors, PAs, NPs, etc, but it is the honest true. I think that everyone would like to think that hospitals are made of highly skilled individuals that are fully prepared for every medical emergency scenario that might come there way.  The same way that I like to think that the flight crews on commercial jets would be cool, calm, and collected if I was every on a plane that was going down. The truth of the matter is that sometimes when the sh$t gets real, we are just human beings too. We get scared. We make mistakes. We really don't know what to do when something like this happens. I'll give you $100 if any of the hospitals I have ever worked in could have properly handled an Ebola patient 100% of the time. For the most part, I think that now if someone hit the ER with ebola, the majority of the hospital would go all Mary Katherine Gallagher start sniffing there armpits in the corner. (me included). We certainly wouldn't calmly just proceed with the outlined protocol.   You have read the nurses accounts from the Texas hospital. THERE WAS NO PROTOCOL. If there was, they didn't know it. So is really a protocol if the people that are supposed to be implementing it don't know what it is?

Get out of the corner. Quit rocking back and forth and sniffing your pits. Its gonna be okay. Ebola is definitely a serious disease. Just like AIDS or HIV. Matter of fact, there is enough people out there living with those diseases that odds are you have probably either touched or touched something that a an AIDs or HIV patient has touched in the last month.  Lets all just quit fueling this media frenzy and calm down.

Some of my coworkers so tactfully taped a picture of a ostrich with its head in the sand to my desk the other day. Keep in mind these are the same people that also hid on open packet of sardines behind my computer monitor, so their reliability is questionable. I dont think my head is in the sand. I am just trying to be realistic about this situation.  I have finally been able to accept in my 30 years on this planet that I can not waste my energy worrying about things I can not do anything about.

So make it stop people. All of it. Quite freaking out about Ebola and for heaven's sake get your flu shots! Me and the CDC will both thank you!

So You Think You Can Run, Huh?

Well I hate to admit it, but the other night something very unfortunate happened to me. It's unfortunate because I totally knew better. Late at night, when your baby is crying for no apparent reason, and you can not find the remote to change the infomercial on TV, Sean T and his get ripped quick antics start looking good. Do you want to get fit quick?   Sure!    Do you have 25 mins a day to better yourself?   Well, Probably :)

Yes, that's right people, I decided to order Focus T25.  Before you judge, I actually had legitimate reasons I thought it would be a good idea.
#1 I really want to get back into shape
#2 I have major guilt and can not possibly go to the gym if it means having to leave my kids with someone else. They already have to spend way too much time with other people as it is.
#3 As far as time goes, I felt like 25 mins was do-able for me.

I received my ill-fated workout program last week, and I was geared up to get started. I cleared out my sunroom, strapped on my workout gear, and put in the first DVD. About 3 cuss words in I looked up and realized that I still had 24 mins and 29 secs left in my workout.  I thought this was supposed to be fun. Fun, my a$$. Sean T, let me introduce you to the Mexican word of the day. JULY   JULY.  (Say it in a mexican voice, I swear it makes sense) It wasn't fun at all. Actually, I friggin hated it. I found myself cursing Sean T and just straight up refusing to do the moves on the video. Burpee you say??? MAKE ME!

Me after about 54 secs of Focus T25

Obviously, this was not the point of the video.  So here we are, 3 days in and I now have it listed on ebay. You should check it out if you are into pain or S&M, it will probably be right up you alley.


Why do I ramble on about my shortcoming with home workout videos, because I have come up with a few useful tips for people that would like to workout, but it doesn't seem to come easy for them.

Unless you are already at your goal weight and just want to add definition, all this plank, burpee, crossfit business does not need to be the mainstay of your workout. If you are like 99% of the people that I know and want to drop some weight, you need to focus on cardio. Run, if you cant run, walk. If you cant walk....well that gonna be a problem. Here is the good news though. Pretty much everyone can walk. It doesn't have to be fast, just start with a certain amount of time you are going to walk and go from there. If you stick with it, you will get faster, and be able to walk further.

I have been an avid walker for most of my life. I can walk for miles, but the moment I try to run, HELLO Exercise induced bronchspasm.  I literally can not run any distance at all without feeling like I am going to die. How does that work? I mean, I can walk 5 miles and can not run 1/4 mile?  WTF?  Well by shear process of elimination, I have discovered some things I have been doing wrong.

Can't believe that whole "home fitness" thing didn't work out for ya Ma!

1. I was trying to run too fast
I guess when I imagine people running, I was thinking of a sprint. Obviously you can only run at that pace for so long. Not long ago, I was reading a magazine article and the average individual working out. It said, if you are trying to run and you are short of breath, SLOW DOWN. Interesting advice.  I mean, it makes sense, but is that really running if you are slighty more than a walking pace.  Well, YOUR DAMN RIGHT IT IS! When I run now, if I get short of breath, I just slow down. Even if I am not going any faster than I would during a powerwalk, I am still exerting more energy with the jog.

2. I was running with my arms.
When I would start off running, I would move my arms and let my legs follow. It wasn't intentional, that's just the way that my body did it. Turns out, that would lead to almost immediate fatigue of the very weak muscles in my upper body. My neck and shoulders would get very tight and my head would start to hurt as those muscles tightened.  Pair this with the shortness of breath, and you can see where the "I think I'm fixin to die" feeling might have come pretty quick.  So, I have figured out that when I start to run, I just start moving my feet in that motion and let my upper body follow. I don't purposely hold my arms up or clench my fist.  I just let the motion of my feet naturally move my upper body back in forth.

3. I was doing it at the wrong time of day
Maybe not everyone is affected like I am by the sun. But, if I try to workout outside when the sun is up, I melt like something off of True Blood.  I just can't take it.  I pretty much wait until the sun is almost down and start on my walk. (or run if I am feeling froggy).

For real, this is Me after I spend more than about 2 minutes in the sun.

4. I was trying to do something I knew I hated..The treadmill
In a separate, yet related ill-fated adventure, I purchased a treadmill. I knew I wouldn't like it, because I have always been an outside walker. I have exercise ADHD....I get bored with the same scenery in about a millisecond.  So, like most other large items that you purchase and then are too much of a wiener to move, it became an $800 clothing rack. If you know you are easily bored, either walk/run outside or go to an actual gym where people watching can keep you busy for hours.

5. I was wearing the wrong bra
I am big busted, it's not a secret or anything. That being said- I never really felt like any padding would be necessary in a sports bra. I had always bought the plain stretch cotton sports bras without underwires or padding. These are fine to lay around the house with a uni-boob in, but to run, you are gonna need something more substantial to hold the girls in place. If not, you will end up with instant boob fatigue when you start jogging. (That's where your boobs are so tired of bouncing up and down that they give you bodily fatigue and perhaps, chest pain.)  I finally decided to invest in a very tight and slightly padded Underarmour sports bra that works perfectly. Honestly at first, it doesn't seem all that comfy because its kinda confining, but when you start the running business, you will be glad that the girls are locked and loaded. Buyers beware...I also tired on one of the new Victoria Secret sports bras, and it was less for exercising and more for using as a flotation device.

6. I was wearing the wrong bottoms
I generally would try to walk or jog in yoga pants or capris....don't ask me why,  that's just what I like to lounge around in. Turns out, a couple minutes of jogging in those things, you start sweating in places that ladies shouldn't sweat.  I always thought the running shorts with the little mesh underwear in them were kinda weird, turns out, somebody figured out they didnt like jayjay sweat either.


Disclaimer for d-bags- I am not a running guru. I obviously don't have it figured all out. I welcome any positive and helpful comments.

Any negative or douchy commentary can be placed at this site:

www.douchebagsanonymous.com

The fact that I am still trying means that I haven't given up completely, and that should count for something!

Pinterest..The Greatest Conspiracy Ever

I'm going to go ahead and admit it, but when this whole concept of Pinterest was introduced to me, I just didn't get it. What is so great about this  "online pinboard?" (Thanks to the captn obvious friend that used this description to fill me in on what Pinterest was.....really, I'm not illiterate, I gathered that much.) It seemed like a waste of time really. STOP!

Grab your jaw off the floor....why would I ever even think about bad- mouthing one of the greatest creations ever????  Well, think about it. Rationally, don't all of us moms really have enough to do already without having to organize some imaginary pin-up board too????  Well, touche, touche my dears, because Pinterest has turned out to be one the greatest conspiracies of all time.

Conspiracy you say, why is that?  Seems harmless. Magical little board where the 13 year-old girl in you can take the magazine clippings and arrange them into all sort of categories, its like an OCD person's kryptonite. Plus its free. No cost to sign up, create an account, or pin away your little heart. Harmless fun....WRONG!
Let's discuss some of the groups that have likely come together and made this their brain child.

1. Men-
Yes ladies, they may pretend to hate it. They may say they don't understand it either. They may stare at you blankly when you show them something on your humor board that makes YOU lose bladder control (seriously, you don't find that funny at all, are you alive?), but I think they could be behind it. Face the facts, men are the worst gift givers ever. Unless your husband has some weird girly gene in him, his shopping skills are probably much like my own husbands. Lets review his gift giving strategy.

•  I need to get Tiffany a gift
• Maybe she will tell me what she wants
• Maybe she will actually buy it for herself and wrap it
• Oh Sh$t...gift giving holiday is tomorrow and no gift has magically fell in my lap
•  I need to come up with an excuse to go to the store, since a reasonable husband would have had a gift days ago. 
• I'm in a store now and the gift has neglected to fall off the shelf and into my hands.
•  D@mn, time is running out because I told her I was driving to town to get gas (who does that, really?)
•  Maybe this sales guy will know
•  Okay, he's a bigger F*#tard than I am 
• .I am going to get something expensive, although I know she won't really like it, but at least I have blown $300 on a necklace she will never wear. All girls like jewelry right?
•  Good now that I bought this overpriced gift, I am going to look at duck calls
•  I like to hunt ducks

Why is this important? Just look at your Pinterest board ladies. In all likelihood, you have a board that says something like THINGS I WANT or perhaps WISH LIST. There is usually even a direct like to click on and buy the d@mn items on there. Talk about a terrible gift givers dream. Boys, if you are not utilizing your womans Pinterest wish board, you are dumb, YOU ARE SO DUMB, FOR REAL~!

In the event that you have Amazon Prime, you can probably even get the above mentioned gift in a cool 48 hours or less. Sometimes I am not even done ordering stuff off there are I swear they will bring it to the door to see if I like it. Its probably those weird drones they use. You know what that drone did right before it dropped a bomb full of whoop a$$ on the land o' sand and those hateful Taliban...thats right, it delivered my size L Merlins Magical Sleep Suite straight to my doorstep.   Oh, I digress.

Is Merlins sleep suit magical because it make the baby sleep or because it can make it from California to Western KY in 13.5 hours?

Crafty Supermoms-

Okay, you know these people. They make everything you do look like the Dollar Store version of their IKEA. How about a chalkboard paint table made of pallets that simultaneously teaches your preschooler to read????   These moms just need to take a prozac like the rest of us and chillax. I don't care how many projects you have been able to make out of empty toilet paper rolls, it doesn't make you a better mom.

•  While your busy cutting little tiny snowflakes out of the Charmin roll, I am taking my kid to Sams to learn a little life lesson about the self check out. (You want something done right, you do it yourself.)
• While you are crafting super organic homemade baby food for hours on end, I have already been to the store, bought the jars of organic baby food at Target, made it back home and have been having a 2 hours dance party with my kids. (Life lesson there- Time is the most valuable thing you will ever have,  and some sh$t is just not worth your time. Dancing to inappropriate songs in your kitchen...always worth your time.)
• And while you are busy creating awesome sensory projects for you toddler, I am teaching mine to cook and fold laundry.(Life lesson- Everybody does their share if they get to live in my house)

My first and only attempt at a Pinterest craft project. I really NAILED IT didn't I?

Skinny Heath Nuts-
How many recipes do you see on pinterest that are labeled something like this
PALEO CALORIELESS NO CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE BROWNIES

Newsflash....those suck. We don't do any half a$$ cooking in this house. If we are going to make some good stuff, the hell if I am going to use applesauce instead of sugar and bananas instead of butter. Don't tease yourself into thinking that just because something is listed as healthy on pinterest that it will be even 1/100th as satisfying as the real thing. Man up and make like Paula Dean....get the healthy desserts out of my face.

                Tripp told his preschool teacher recently that they only things
 his mommy knew how to bake were rum cake and bourbon balls. 

Lastly..
Time Mongers-
These are the little mythical creatures that come our during the hours that you are not at work or asleep that steal little bits of your time and make it seem that your actual free time disappears like a non-Paleo plate of cookies. Hell, I am be on facebook for awhile, then just hop right over to pinterest and make a night of it. Pretty soon, its 11:30PM and I'm going to be expected to be up in 5 hours to care for the various crib midgets, furballs, and man-children in my house. How is it that four hours at work can drag like molasses in winter, but 4 hours in a pinterest/social media frenzy can go in the blink of an eye? Conspiracy....One of these days I am going to find this stash of all my free time, and maybe stored with it are my youth and my flat stomach.

Its like magic....POOF...4 hours is gone!

You see girls, Pinterest is not for you. You just think it's for you. And that's how they want to keep it.
Well played, Well played you male, craft-tarded, healthy, time-stealing fools. One day I am going to come up with a way to get you back, until then I will be busy organizing my imaginary online pinboard for hours on end with a real sense that I have been productive. This mommy thing.....NAILED IT!

I Can't Believe You Send Your Kids to Daycare...You Must Be a Terrible Parent

So not really, but this is seriously the way I felt EVERY SINGLE DAY from the time my kids started daycare until just recently.

So you are telling me that you have spent the better part of 4 years feeling like a good for nothing sucktastic parent because you have elected to send your child to a.....oh no...don't say it... a DAYCARE????

Well..... pretty much. It was not all in my head either. There were people all around me making me feel bad about it. It was probably rooted in the fact that I was raised by a stay at home mom. No complaints.....I thought it was great. So great, in fact, that for some reason I pitied kids that had parents that worked and had to go to daycare or a babysitter. My mom got to be at all our programs, school parties, and was always there. In turn, I remember dreading ever having to be "babysitted" by anyone else. I think I spent the better part of the first 3 years attached to my mothers right hip. My mother still thinks if you are going to have kids you should stay at home and "raise them yourself."

Now enter guilt tripper number 2, my dad. To his credit, he spent the vast majority of my childhood working so that my mom could stay home with us. Sure he would realize the reality of having to earn a living after you have children. Well, I vividly remember at my babyshower when I was pregnant with my first, beloved Mike says to me, " So your not going back to work are you?" To which I replied, "Well, yes, I supposed I am after the baby is 6 or 8 weeks old, I am going to go back to work and the baby will probably go to daycare." I clearly remember his only response was "THAT'S AWFUL."   Really, are we kidding? The man that taught me how to roll my own cigarettes "because it is cheaper," and the finer point of the differences between Ten High and Kentucky Tavern is now giving me some parenting tips.... 

So then with all the bad juju surrounding it, we actually start daycare part-time. What made it worse was that my sweet little crib midget would literally scream all the way in to daycare, then actually have to surgically be removed from me by the teacher. All while he was screaming, MOMMY, MOMMY, DON'T LEAVE ME. Eventually I would have to literally turn my back from my screaming pleading child and walk away. Talk about feeling like crap. Well, that little show went on for TWO YEARS. Yep 365 days x 2. I would read these articles on the web that most kids would get adjusted after 2-3 weeks, at most, a month. Well, not my little Tripp. He could have made Hilter feel like a bad person at the AM drop off session every morning. It really made me question whether or not after I left,  they were engaging him in a waterboarding session or something.

So is this how you keep them contained all day????

Sometimes when I would pick him up, I would walk into the room and he would be very happy and playing, the minute he would see me, he would start crying. It was almost like he forgot and was like, "Oh, Sh#t, she's supposed to think that I hate it here, better go into instant psycho mode to cover up my seemingly normal behavior that she just witnessed. They would swear to me that he was fine during the day,but it was hard to imagine anything but his frantic little voice calling my name. He was the damn master of the guilt trip.

Several times, I thought about pulling him out of daycare. For one, there was the traumatic emmy-winning performances each morning that I had to endure. Second, there was the never-ending cycle of sickness from about the ages of 14 months to 24 months. Especially, after his first febrile seizure happened, then I walk around with a damn ear thermometer in my back pocket all the time just waiting for signs of illness to appear. Believe me, I didn't have to wait long either. That boy didn't go 2 weeks that whole year without some sort of new illness or fever to deal with. Around the age of 2, I honestly got to a point that I just didn't know if it was worth it to take him there. Deep down, I felt like the interaction with other children was a good thing. I knew that being exposed to germs was an inevitable part of life and if his immune system didn't get primed now, I would just be dealing with a sick kid the entire first year he went to Kindergarten. Plus, I still had to two above mentioned parental units that were negative Nancying my efforts to hold strong and push through.

So what changed my mind????

1. Well lets be honest, first off, I live with one of the cheapest individuals on the planet. We actually make about 8 times the income now that we did when we first got married, and he is just as tight as ever. There was no way he was going to let me quit work.

2. I spent 6 years of my life in college. I also spent almost a cool $100,000 getting my PA degree. Furthermore, PA was friggin hard. It was like drinking fire through a water hose. I really just wasn't ready to flush all that down the sh$tter to stay home and be supermom. I feel most like myself when I am at work, and I love what I do. Personally, I think that when I get home from work, I am a much better mom because I haven't gotten to see my kids all day. At the end of everyday I am genuinely excited to go pick them up. I have patience (most of the time) for things that I dont think that I would if I stayed home all day.

3. Tripp started coming home telling me things that I knew I didn't teach him. I'm not talking bad things, I'm talking songs, letters, numbers, Spanish for goodness sakes. Come to find out, they do about 1000x more with my kids than I would probably be able to do with them if I stayed home. Crafts-EVERYDAY! Songs, letters, colors, shapes, languages. They serve them healthy food ( Guarantee if I was home with them everyday we would be eating a smorgasbord of Hostess Cakes and peanut butter from the jar on the daily.)
They are way better to my kids than I think I even have the capability of being.

4. It started becoming clear that he was used to taking turns, sharing, and generally having to interact with other kids. Tripp being an only child at the time, the probababilty of major bratiness was at an all time high. I realize that the more he was around other kids and the general structured environment of daycare, the better he got at home.

5 The constant sickness got better. Pretty much you will need to lock yourself into 1 entire year of the snots when your kid starts daycare. Hell, better yet, go ahead and pencil yourself in for a bimonthly appt with the pediatrician, and a once a month counseling session for your mother and mother-in-law with a therapist. They will both need to be regularly talked off the ledge that your child does not, in fact, need to be on an antibiotic salt lick.

Step away from the Amoxil, it's a virus!

So, eventually you just wise up and realize that your would quit wasting time feeling like crap for sending your child to a safe, fun, stimulating environment while you go try to be a productive member of society. You could totally do much worse. Watch Dateline for about 5 minutes to verify that. Daycares are monitered by the state, regularly inspected, and rated based on numerous factors. Do you realize that any dipsh#t can pop out a baby and stay home and raise them however they choose. So if that means letting them watch TV all day or eat a variety of Chips Ahoy products for every meal, that doesn't mean they are getting better care just because their mom is staying home with them.

Just like everything else in life, its the quality of time you spend with your kids, not the quantity. So step away from the ledge people, I am letting go of the daycare guilt, and you should too!

The Bikini Debate... Can You Still Pull One Off?

I think that everyone has some idea in their head that when it happens to them, it will officially signal the end of their youth. For a lot of people, that might be a turning a certain age, buying a house, or having a child. I like to be a little more practical about things like that, and I am a firm believer that none of those things really truly define you.

So what is it for me, that pretty much as long as I can remember, has signified my entrance in the downward spiral called old age.....

~The moment you realize you can no longer pull off a bikini~

I sh*t you not, my youth will wither and die the moment I decide that I can't get away with a 2-piece. So far, I have yet to look so nauseating to myself in mirror that I have took the plunge to old-lady land with a Miracle Suit.  This year though, I am one year older and one spontaneous vaginal delivery wiser. My stomach has now managed to accommodate 2 babies in the last 3 calendar years. The thought of me showing my mid-section anywhere but the confines of my shower makes me queasy.

Last year, this was a hot topic of conversation with my girlfriends. After much debate, we decided that you should rock a bikini until it is just absolutely inappropriate to do so, mostly because once you go one-piece, you can never go back. Its not like you go buy a one-piece on a whim and decide you are going to wear it intermittently with your bikini during the summer. Its an all-out, life changing event. Honestly there should be some sort of wait time like they have with buying handguns so that you don't run out and buy a Miracle Suit just because you are having a bad muffin top week.

This year, when we brought it up, I was absolutely shocked that about half of my friends immediately chirped up and said, "Yeah, I'm just going to go ahead and get a one piece." What the hell girls???? I thought we decided last year that we were going to stand at the brink of old age and give it the finger in our bikini tops??? Why is everyone bailing on me?

Oh, and before some smart a$$ decides to pipe up and say, "Oh, your problem is solved, that's why they invented tankinis." Just STOP YOURSELF!.  In theory, they seems like a pretty decent idea. Hide the tummy, minimize the jiggle, avoid the perpetual camel toe of the one-piece, but then,  you try one on.
For some reason, the designers of these so called "tankinis" forgot that generally when you are swimming you do not really want your boobs resting on your muffin top. Even if they have cups or padding in the front, the back is ALWAYS some dinky little piece of elastic that looks like it would barely be capable of holding my hair back in a ponytail. Plus, every one I have ever tried on is always very loose, even if its the right size. I don't need more rolls that I already have. Have you ever seen anyone wear a stretched out wife-beater and look hot...I didn't think so.

This girl is probably hot underneath this ill fitting, boob sagging tankini

So whats so bad about a one-piece?
 1. Anything that pulls at both your boobs and crotch simultaneously is just a bad idea. (Imagine a simultaneous pap smear and mammogram experience)
2. Most are freakishly high cut. So you would like to cover your midriff, in exchange for showing off a weird part of your hip bones that has literally never seen the light of day. If they are not high cut, they are called "retro" and they look like some sort of sausage casing. (The boy short look is not fooling anyone people, if anything it actually highlights that your thighs are thunderous)
3. I tried on an actual "Miracle Suit" once at Dillards just out of shear interest. It took me 20 minutes to get it on and an HOUR to get it off. Honestly, I got a little bit panicky. If it hadn't had a $100 price tag on it, I would have purchased it so that I could have cut it off myself in the privacy of my own home. Think about it...it was dry. Can you imagine getting a wet one of those off? You would need a lifetime supply of KY Jelly to lub yourself in and out of that thing.

Do I even need to explain why this is not attractive?

Let me just say, I have not always been happy with the way my body looks in the above mentioned bikini swimwear. I just never felt like I looked truly bad enough to make the plunge to the momsuit. I have even gone so far as to toy with the idea of plastic surgery. Listen, big momma ain't too proud to get her tummy tucked. To be fair, I did try crunches for, like, A DAY, before I decided that I was going start Googling prices for an abdominoplasty.

 I am kind of embarrassed to admit this, but when I'm somewhere that other people have on bathing suits, I always try to find women that I think are my shape and size and try to decide how disgusting they actually look. When I look at myself, my eyes go directed to the areas that I hate, so I know that I am for sure my biggest critic. It would be nice to see my swimsuit, on someone with my body, that wasn't me, so I could decide if I needed to keep complimentary anti-nausea medication by the poolside.

Anti-emetic anyone????

Well, I'm still up the air about it, but so far this is where I''m at....
I'm 30 (Its the new 21, read my blog post about it),
I have two kids and could look WAY worse (Go to Walmart people and get a visual affirmation of that)
All the cute suits I find are bikinis

Odds are, if you see me this summer,  I will be rocking the two-piece,  So, grab your Phenergan B%TCH#S, big momma is hitting the Oakhill Pool and Racquet Club, muffin top and all!!!!

Let's Talk About How Fat I Was After I Had a Baby

I'm back!!!! Its your favorite (or not so favorite) blogger, back at it again. Why the break, you ask? It was really not on purpose. My kids are just making it their life mission to never let me do anything I enjoy ever again. For example...Sleeping, Eating, Sitting Down, Etc. So you can see how blogging might have been out of the question. My 7 month old has also entered the "I'm going to lose my sh*t every time you put me down" phase. Judging by my previous experience with this with baby number one, this will last probably another 9-12 months. By the end of it, I will have awesome arms, but not really awesome any other part of my body. This brings me to my next topic...

Let's talk about how fat I was after I had a baby.

So before some of you generally irritating people get all offended at the term "fat," let me tell you what my definition is

Fat: (phAT):     Being in a state of chunkiness that is far beyond what your body was cut out for.

So smaller people can be fat, larger people can be not fat. Its a relative term. If you are still offended, please file your complaints to the complaint department at 1-800-KISS-MY-A$$.

SO seriously, after I had baby number 2, I was not looking so hot. There was about 10lbs that refused to come off with my previous methods of eating whatever I wanted and not exercising. Don't hate me, but with my first baby, the weight literally just fell off. Granted, I spent the better part of 9 months, heaving into toilets all across the southeastern United States. I only put on 23lbs with that pregnancy. So afterward, within about 10 days it was gone. Now, I'm not saying that I looked the same by any measure. Lot of skin flapping around that didn't belong, but that all important number on the scale was the same. Eventually the skin tightened up some, but honestly never all the way. Still, I made it out pretty good considering.

Pregnancy number two- I was sick, but not quite as sick. So less barfing along with having to care for a toddler while pregnant, led to some less than desirable life choices. So this time I put on 30lbs. Still within the "normal" weight gain category for pregnancy, but I could totally tell this time some of that was fat and not just baby. It took my scrub pants actually cutting off the circulation in the lower half of my body to make me realize that this time I might have fallen into the "I'm pregnant, so I might as well eat" trap.

This time I came home from the hospital with 15lbs to lose to get back down to my normal. The first couple of days, the number on the scale went down slowly, but mentally I was okay with any number in the downward direction. Then about 3 weeks after I had baby, that number just stuck at 10lbs above my normal weight. This made me incredibly cranky and after a week of looking at the same number on the scale, I decided that it was time to get serious.

I started logging my calories on myfitnesspal and walking 2 miles daily. Believe me, I didn't want to. Actually the first couple weeks of it, I felt homicidal. This was probably a combination of hunger, sleep deprivation, and general fatness that led me to feel this way, but the threat level around this house was at a definite orange. I did start seeing the number come down some, and I was able to get those 10lbs gone, but it took a total of 3 months to do it.  As for the loosy goosy skin issue, well hell, I'm still waiting for that to get better. I'm hoping to go to bed one night and my fairy Godmother will come around and just happen to be a board certified plastic surgeon.  Until then, I guess I will still continue to have a slight muffin top unless I am standing.

I can not believe that I am actually going to post this, but this is me after baby #2:
 2 Days, 9 Days, and Finally 3 Months

Why do I tell you this? Its because it any of you fine ladies are thinking about having a second baby, you just need to be aware that it truly is harder to lose the weight. I guess I just thought that was something that everyone always said. Its not!

So here is the plan ladies. We need to ban together and as a group, make fat and flabby the new sexy. I know it seems ridiculous, but I promise it can be done. Look at the people that somehow tricked us into thinking that "ombre"hair was a style choice and not just being too lazy or poor to touch up your roots. Until that is accomplished, I am going to seriously have to reconsider my swimwear selections this year :)

In my day,  people, this was just called ROOTS

I Don't Clean My House...And I'm Proud of It!

Cats out of the bag...I don't clean my house. Take that statement very literally. I haven't scrubbed a toilet in I don't know when. Before you go thinking that I live in a filth hole, just know that I have a wonderful lady that comes and cleans my house for me once a week. To protect her identity. I'm going to refer to her as "My wife."  You like that???  I've always said I needed a wife.  Who needs to hire someone to cook, clean, and raise my kids when I can just get myself a wife for free. This profound statement ladies, is why in the year 2014, its still officially a mans world.

Why am I so proud of this fact? Its because there was one point in my life that I was embarrassed of it. Multiple reasons were in place for this. The main two were:
A) My mother: Who liked to make comments like, "A housekeeper? So now you are actually so lazy that you can't even clean your own house?"    Thanks Ma!
B) My husband: Who every time I brought it up told me, "We are too poor to hire someone to do what we can do ourselves."

The idea of having someone help me once a week in the cleaning department went from genius to LAZY AND WASTEFUL.  To further back that up, I'm not going to even throw out there that "I didn't have time to clean." I know that I truly did HAVE TIME. I mean, I work alot, but not 24/7. The truth of the matter is....The time I have, I don't want to clean. THERE I SAID IT!

I DON'T WANT TO CLEAN! Its nasty, dirty, hard work that needs done all the time. As soon as you get done cleaning something in my house, a kid, dog, or husband is right behind you to F it up again. So in case you are in the same predicament of really wanting to hire someone to help you clean, but feel like it would be lazy, wasteful, or expensive. I've got some tips on how to get over it!

Give em 2 mins that they can destroy pretty much anything.

1. Realize that its not lazy.
I don't want to gloat, but I'm not lazy. I'm actually a hard worker. I bust my rear end at work. I come straight home, don't ever sit down and start job #2- feeding, bathing, and raising my kids. Just because I don't want to spend the only days I have off work scrubbing toilets and floors doesn't mean I'm lazy. Maybe it's just human nature to prefer not to do hard labor on the few days off that I have a week.

2. Its financially smart
So, my husband will probably crap himself when he reads this one. ( Good thing, he will likely be on the shitter reading my blog on his iPad),  but I consider this a form of subcontracting. It's the same reason that a contractor doesn't single-handedly build, roof, paint, and landscape a new home. Smart business people realize that it makes sense to hire out certain jobs to experts, rather than utilizing your time to do them all yourself.  As a PA, I make a reasonable hourly pay. It takes my housekeeper 3-4 hours to clean my house once a week. I make way more in 4 hours than I pay her to clean. So, financially, I would be crazy not to hire someone. Put that in your excel spreadsheet Josh Bailey and smoke it!

3. She is better at it then me
When I am forced to clean, I do a crap job. I have no excuse for this at all. "My wife" however, is an awesome house cleaner. For Pete's sake, she even cleans under the couch ever week. You could bounce a quarter off the bed when she makes it. She has been cleaning houses for 30 years. She's good at it. My dear husband often gets ill at people who are not good at there jobs. When I tell him he needs to be more patient, he says "You gotta know your strengths." Well I suck at housekeeping, maybe I should stick to stomping out disease.

4. Its not a waste of money
To be honest, I have never been so damn happy to give someone money for a job well done. Thursdays are actually my favorite day of the week, because I know that when I am at work, my sweet little housecleaning fairy comes and makes my house new again. Its the one day a week, I look forward to walking in the door, because I know there is not a giant mess waiting for me on the other side. Is it so wrong that when I open the door and the smell of pledge slaps me in the face that I pee myself, just a little bit?

5. My husband will never really agree it's important
After many year of marriage, I have learned this lesson. Your husband will only think that things are worth money if they are, in fact,  IMPORTANT TO HIM.
Here is his thought process-
1. House cleaning is women's work
2. Tiffany is a woman
3. Tiffany should clean the house
4. I am a man
5. Cleaning the house is not my job
6. Why would I pay someone to clean the house when Tiffany can do it for free?
7. I like to sit an a blind all day a shoot at ducks
8. Its totally reasonable to pay several thousand dollars a year for a duck lease because "its the best place for a blind in the tricounty area"
9. We are too poor to waste money on things that are not important
10. Killing ducks is really important

See what I mean?  Your husband will never put value on things that he does not deem important, so just don't really ask his opinion on the matter.  At one point early in our marriage, he told me that if I wanted someone to clean the house I could take it out of MY money to pay for it. That statement made me want to put my foot up his A$$ crack. It also made me want to fix up a place in the living room that no one even dusted, vacuumed, mopped, or pick up. I was also going to put the cats shit box in that area too, then I was going to tell him he had to stay in that area since I was the only one benefiting from a clean house. Mostly because sometimes I' m just an unsavory b$tch like that!

No fighting ladies...he's all mine!

He has wised up since then.  So take his lead fellas,  a HAPPY WIFE is a HAPPY LIFE!

Surviving a Walmart Tantrum

I am in the beloved Walmart the other day when I witness an all too common occurrence. A momma, close to my age,  was trying to wrestle with her toddler that was in the throws of a stage 4 all-out meltdown. I'm talkin...screamin, crying, wallerin around, full-on tantrum. I've been there. Tripp was actually so bad that there are 3 times I remember leaving a cart full of groceries and just hauling ass out of there. I wanted to march over and help the girl so bad, but I'm sure she was unaware of my celebrity status as "The Medical Momma." In all likelihood, that would have ended up with me being arrested or something. So instead, I thought I would come home and blog about it!

So what do you do when your kid loses it at Walmart?? Lucky for you, I have some tips for you.

1. Prevention is the key.
It is altogether a bad plan to take your children to Walmart to do your actual "grocery shopping." Running in for an item or two, that might be possible, but if you are planning on going for a full on, push your cart down every aisle sort of trip, try like hell to find a babysitter for an hour or so. I understand that this is not possible for some of you. That blows. So moving on to more tips.

2. Use a stroller
Sounds weird, but if you are only going in for small items, I had more luck using a stroller instead of a cart. One reason is, those disgusting carts have about a 97.9% likelihood of a having a faulty or non-existent seat belt. If you can't strap a toddler in, you are pretty much just asking for trouble. Get a stroller hook and use it to hook a shopping basket or a bag to the stroller. Then bask in the glory of having your kid strapped into a device that also includes a cupholder for yourself (SCORE!)

Look who is so happy that mommy has a place for her Sonic Diet Vanilla Coke

3. Bring snacks
The number one reason my kid melts down is hunger. I have no idea why instead of just telling me that he is hungry, he just loses his #%*. I like to call it "low blood sugar Tripp." He's real fun, you should meet him. If you don't have a snack with you, get something from the shelf and open it. Just pay for it at the counter. If any Walmart employee tries to get scrappy with you about it, offer them a swift kick in the A$$.

4. Let them hold something
So I know that you can't buy a toy every time you go to the store. But Osama Jr doesn't know this. Sometimes,  I will let him hold something for awhile until he  A) loses interest or B) Its time to check out. At this point, you have to decide what a peace treaty is worth to you. Sometimes, I pull a fast one and mumble something to him about how the toy has to go take a nap back on the shelf. Sometimes, I decide that $11.99 is totally worth me not having to deal with a cash register freak out. Nevertheless, at least you have bought yourself some time to shop.

5. Never...I repeat..NEVER let them out of the cart!
So at some point, the little snot rocket will convince you that if they can only get out of the cart and walk beside you, they will behave. Well, THEY LIE!!! You do that, and next thing you know, they are playing a little game of hide and seek in the clothing section. Whatever ridiculousness is going on in your shopping cart, at least it is contained.

The one and only time I let him push one of these babies...he tried to mow down a group of elderly ladies in the deli area

6. Know when to fold em... A Walmart tantrum is not the time to prove a point to your kid. Before you start thinking I'm a pushover, hear me out. I am definitely not one to let my kid use me a whipping post, but I'm (wo)MAN enough to fold my cards until we get home. Let them think they won the argument while your shopping. Its not the time to drop the bomb on Hiroshima. If you want to go judge Judy on their a$$, wait until you get home. You are never going to have the upper hand at Walmart, ever. There is too many people watching. The cuteness of your kid is deceptive to strangers. You will always come out looking like the psychopath that forgot to take her happy medicine. 

7. Have a "sh*t is about to get real cue."
This lets the kid know you have moved on from mad, to angry, then over the edge to DMX mode .

"Y'all gonna make me lose my mind, UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE" (you know you are singing it.)

For me, it's the dreaded mom count. "1...2....then I don't know what happens at 3, but neither does Tripp. Apparently, he doesn't want to find out either.  I bet he thinks to himself, "this B can only count to 2 and a half." You CAN NOT over utilize this! It has to be the last straw before you throw the crib midget over your shoulder and get out of dodge.

Sometimes, no matter what you do, you can't prevent the Walmart meltdown. Mentally prepare yourself that at some point your child is going to assume the posture of an overcooked spaghetti noodle when they don't get their way. Just do your best to keep calm and not do anything that might get child services interested in your parenting skills. Eventually they will stop wanting to be seen with you in Walmart period, so there is light at the end of the tunnel! Until then, stand strong and don't to forget to swing by the pharmacy to pick up your Prozac...that stuff really makes life more tolerable. 

I Thought You Were a %$&# When I First Met You!

I have had an ALARMING number of people tell me some version of this phrase about their first impression of me. It's really baffling. I guess no one would ever truly admit they were a snot, but really, I'm not. Not at all actually. So what is it about me that gives people the "she is an unsavory b$tch vibe" right off the bat?

Thinking...Thinking.....Thinking some more....

Okay, I got nothin, but it did make me think about how my first impression of most people is usually wrong. Even the girls that are my BEST friends now, I didn't always start out liking them at first. So here are some of the horrible (and not so horrible) things I thought when I met each one and the surprising things I learned about them.

(Names are going to be withheld, but you b&tches know who you are!)

MOLLY
 I don't even think this one counts, because I have known her so long, I barely remember life before I knew her. She married my cousin. I think I was about 12 when I first met her. I remember being envious of how pretty she was, she seemed so perfect. Fast forward 12 years, I really didn't become great friends with her until about 5 years ago. I remember thinking when we started hanging out that she was just one of those people who always makes you feel like you have been best friends forever. She is a blame friend whore. She's probably got every 30 year old women on this side of the county thinking that they are her best friend. Damn her for being so warm and loving. Sometimes its nice to think that your girlfriends love you and pretty much hate everyone else, but NO CAN DO on that one Molly.

What I love about her: She is the first one of my friends to give me a hug when I need it.  As an adult,  I find that people get stingy with affection for some reason. She is warm, loving, sweet, and affectionate. If she wasn't so pretty, I would swear she was a Labrador Retriever.

ALICE
I met her about 5 years ago through Molly. I spent the first several times we were together pretty much thinking that she hated me. Mostly because she rarely spoke, but when she did it was always very quietly and usually only in earshot of Molly. I wondered, was I not pretty enough, or friendly enough for her?  Did I not dress the right way? Did her and Molly go way back and was their not any room for a new friend in the group? Well what I learned (eventually) is that Alice is very reserved about 95% of the time. In a crowd, she is a listener, NOT a talker.  She also happens to currently be in the running for mom of the year, wife of the century, and probably Sainthood.

What I love about her: There is this little tiny person that lives deep within Alice. We will call her Spicy Ginger. Ging only comes out every once in awhile. Sometimes all it takes is to get her really fired up about something. Sometimes it takes a sample of every single drink off the Jasmine Sushi Restaurant Menu. Whatever the case, its worth hanging around to see.

PENNY
Probably 4 year ago, I got introduced to her because she already knew Molly and Alice (casually.) My very first encounter with her, I was so INTIMIDATED! She would probably laugh at me to hear me say that now, but its true. She was cute, and really trendy. At no point in my life, have I ever been accused of being trendy, which is normally okay until I get thrown together with some cute trendy b%tch, then I start feeling all bad about myself. Actually, because she already knew the other girls, they had things to talk about. They new a lot of the same people. I really couldn't come up with anything to say to her that I felt like she would care about. I mean, who wants to be friends with someone that thinks tennis shoes go with EVERYTHING?  Fast forward...now Penny is one of my best friends. She is funny, smart, and honest. I don't mean that in a bad way either. Everyone needs a friend that is honest enough to tell you the real deal when you ask their opinion.

What I love about her: She can stare a hole right through you if she wants to...why do I love that? Well, lets just say you ever get cross ways with a scrappy B&tch at a bar that for some reason was wearing a referee uniform...your gonna want Penny with you ;)

ELLEN
Around about the same time I met Penny, that damn friend whore Molly brought Ellen out to eat with us. Although, I guess that doesn't count, because Ellen and Molly are sisters.  My first thought was...D@mn, she is loud. The problem with that, is that I am loud. So, I wasn't used to having someone else in the group that was as talkative as me. The more I listened to her, the more I realized that not only was she loud, but she also made me want to get in a straight line, stand still, and mind my manners. Turns out Ms Ellen is a preschool teacher. She is also super fun and an awesome girlfriend! She always tells it like it is and doesn't care who hears here.

What I love about her: She wears her heart on her sleeve. You don't ever have to worry about where you stand with her and I'm way to busy now a days to be busy with friend drama!

TARA
So I met Tara through Ellen. They had been friends for awhile. Tara was actually much younger than most of us and wasn't married yet. My first thoughts of her...."She seems like a sweet girl, but I'm not sure she is going to fit in...or why she would want to?"  Why would a sweet, quite, young, unmarried girl want to be friends with the mom brigade? Well, what I figured out is that Tara is an old soul at heart. In the time I have known her, she has gotten married, had a baby...and basically become another disgruntled member of the "unsavory bitch of the month club."

What I love about her: She is funny. Not in the obvious way, but in a way that I don't even think she means to be. Plus she puts up with us elderly women, so gotta give her props for that!

KYLA
She got invited to go out with our group one night that I was going to be out of town. I was kind of bummed I wasn't going to get to go, but I figured I would make it to the next girls night. After they went out, ALL the other girls couldn't stop talking about how AWESOME Kyla was. Kyla this, Kyla that. I hate to admit it, but I was jealous. They had all went out and had a fabulous time and bonded, WITHOUT ME! So even when you are 30, there is still some of that middle school girl left in you.  So the first time I actually met Kyla myself, I was on the lookout for flaws....ENTER OPERATION...SOMETHINGS GOTTA BE WRONG WITH THIS SKANK, AIN'T NOBODY THAT COOL.  After about 3 minutes, I realize I was so wrong. She is that cool, and fun, and thoughtful, and a hundred other things. About the only bad thing I found about her is that she is Northern as HELL, but even that makes me kinda smile to hear her talk.

What I love about her: She is the ultimate party planner. Actually I am convinced that she walks around with a bag of party games for any occasion that she can set up at a moments notice. (Did someone say, babyfood shower games??)

So there you go. Almost ever one of my homegirls, I didn't exactly have the warm fuzzies over the first time I met them. There is no telling what that thought about me the first time they met me. It probably was something along the lines of "This girl is loud, and opinionated, and unsavory as hell!"  Maybe they still think that about me? Who knows, but all that matter is they love me for it!
Shout out to all you crazy girls. BBC!

Diet Tips From A Fat Girl..... The reasons your not losing weight

Okay before you get all self righteous and say “Oh, don’t be so down on yourself, your not fat.” Here is the deal….in my head, I don’t really think that I am fat. My brain thinks that I am a reasonably medium- sized person. The problem is all the damn mirrors, and the cameras...Sometimes,  I look into a mirror or look at a photo of myself, and wonder who is looking back at me. Where is the tolerably curvy gal I think I am, and who the hell is this chunky b%tch????

Its not just me either. When I go into stores and I have to buy a large (or sometimes an X-Large),  its really hard to feel good about that. You every wonder…..if I am an X-Large, what do truly “large” people wear.  That being said, I have decided that clothing companies are ridiculous. There is no reason I should be made to feel big just because I have some meat on my bones.  Oh…and mirrors,  those are ridiculous too.

I have come up with some diet tips for anyone that is interested. Before you inquire as to why you would want to take tips from someone who openly admits to not being thin, let me clear this up. I am not saying that I actually do any of these things. I’m just saying that I know how to lose weight if I want to. Every day I don’t lose weight,  I like to look at like a conscious choice on my part. You know why I didn't lose a pound this week…BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO! That’s right. If I had wanted to lose a pound , I would have done it. You know that’s right, because I have O’Nan blood in me and we O’Nan women do what we want to do J

We O"Nan women do whatever we want!

• . Forget the word diet- its depressing, and I actually get hungry when I say it, so just don’t

•  Think about it like math



Its just an equation really!

•   You burn a certain number of calories in a day based on your activity level, sex, height, weight, and exercise. THERE IS NOT SOME SECRET FORMULA TO LOSING WEIGHT! As long as you don’t eat more than you burn, you will lose.
•    You can calculate your Resting Metabolic Rate online, then add to that the calories you burn from exercise. If you are super anal like I am, you can get a tracker. I personally love my Fitbit Force. It keeps up with a rough estimate of how many calories I burn a day.
• 
  
•   LOG YOUR FOOD!
•  I can not stress this enough. Even if you only do it for a short period of time, I think you must get a feel for how many calories the foods that you eat have in them. You would be totally shocked that some items have so many calories. Like a blizzard from dairy queen can be up to 1200 calories. Hell, that about a days worth of calories for me.
•  First just log the food that you would normally eat without trying to cut back any. I guarantee 99.9% of all people underestimate  the number of calories they actually eat in a day. I would up that number to 100% of people if those people eat out at restaurants at all. Apparently everything made at a restaurant is dipped in sugar and fat before its put on your plate. No wonder its so good!
•     I use the App MyFitnessPal to log my food. There are some other ones out there, but I think this one is pretty good and its Free. (See Josh, not everything I do cost money.) Its so much harder to put food in your mouth when you know you have to log it. Its kind of kills the buzz you get from slamming a fudge round into your piehole!
• 
  
• 
  
• Start slow
• a.       Weight that comes off quickly also comes back on quickly. That being said, the only thing worse an being fat, is being skinny, then getting fat again. So do it slowly. Try to aim to lose only ½ a pound to a pound a week. That way you won’t starve,  and you will see that it is doable.
• 
  
•  Manage your expectations
•  The first 2 weeks suck. No getting around it. You will be hungry, and cranky, and probably not any skinnier. You will want to give up. Schedule yourself a non food related reward for completing the first 2 weeks. Admit to others you are hangry. Its okay, they will understand. If they don't, screw em.
• 
  
• Only weigh once a week
•    Weighing daily makes me homicidal. It fluctuates too much. Pick a day of the week and only weigh that day, first thing in the morning. Log your weight either on paper or in an App like the MyFitnessPal Program. Resist desire to weigh on any other scale, at any other time of the day, or any extra days between weigh-ins. Trust me people, I'm not cut out for jail. 
• 
  
• Exercise
• Let me put a disclaimer on this one…. I really don’t enjoy excercising. I like it just about as much as I like manual labor, sweating, or the Turkey Trots.  The only reason I exercise is so that I can eat more.  I wasn’t cut out to starve.  By exercise, I,  in no way, shape, or form mean running. Running is so cliché. Everyone these days want to slap on some damn Underarmour gear and trot around like they have been doing marathons their whole lives. Then they post it on Facebook for me to feel like the only inadequate chunky non-runner left on the planet. Truth of the matter is, walking can be just as effective and I think it’s a hell of a lot less intimidating.  I will never have those little stickers on the back of my vehicle that say “13.1” or “26.0.”  I might, however, can a custom decal that says, “0…because running flairs up my fat girl asthma, but I can walked like a beast!”
• 
  
• Skip diet pills and supplements
• I’m not saying they don’t work or at least help, but I think that it leads to this mentality that you have to have help to lose weight.  If you start thinking about weight loss as some grand mystery that you are never going to solve without help, it will never become a reality for you.
• Prove to yourself that you can do it if you want to, without any help. I promise it will empower you and make you want to lose weight...just because you can, D@mn IT!

So there you go. You know why I didn’t lose weight today, its because I have an undying love for Mountain Dew and Fudge Rounds. But when I decide I want to lose weight, I know that I can. Who knows, I may stick with adequately chunky though, I’m not much fun when I'm HANGRY!

Snowed in with the Griswolds

Do you ever over-pack for a trip and then get home and realize that you only used 1/8th of the things you had been hauling around for days?.....I do, all the time! So, I decided that this weekend, I was going to turn over a new leaf. I was just going 2 hours away to go out to dinner with my family for my birthday and then to a baptism the next day. How many clothes could you really need for a 30 hour time period?????  Well, self...this was such a bad weekend to try to overcome your obsessive compulsive ways, because we have managed to get snowed in with the Griswolds,  and I am sitting here wondering if hell has finally frozen over. If so, I appear to have made the maiden voyage here.

My big 3-0 b-day was last week, but I had not made the trek back to the homestead to celebrate with my family yet. Mostly this is because with two small kids, I have to pack up half of my house to survive 30 hours somewhere else. Never the less, I maned up and decided to come Saturday to celebrate, since I had to be here Sunday night for my niece's baptism anyway. My husband had to work Saturday morning, so I was on my own to get me and both kids ready and the above mentioned half of the house loaded in the GMC.

Piper thought this would be a great time for her to scream at the top of her lungs for 4 hours, so I spent most of the morning with her strapped to me in baby carrier. This being the case, I decided if I could JUST get my kids ready and loaded, I would just wait until I got to my parents house to shower and get myself presentable. On the 2 hour drive there, we spent about 1/4th of the time on the side of the parkway with me crawling in the back to see if Piper would CALM THE HELL DOWN. Every time I crawled back there, my son would inquire....."But mommy, who is going to drive us?" Touche son, touche. 

After about 3 hours, we finally made it. I got everyone in the house and decided I would grab a shower. I got out of the shower looking like a drowned rat, and realized that some of my extended family had stopped by for a visit. I went on my merry way... poking along... putting my make up on and getting my hair fixed. Apparently I am so dense, that even after most of my aunts, uncles, and cousins had randomly shown up, I still didn't get it that anything was going on.

It wasn't until I was only half dressed, with wet hair, and makeup had been only been applied to one eye that I heard them start singing the "Happy Birthday" song. I mean really, did I just think that they all happened to show up for a visit for sh*ts and giggles???? I am so dumb sometimes. BTW, thanks for the heads up Mom! I understand it was a surprise, but you could have at least let girlfriend get her face on before y'all stared in with the photo ops. On a related note, NO ONE should ever have to see me in skinny jeans without my boots over them. Sorry relatives, send me your therapy bills. 

Minus the bad timing on my part,  it turned out to be a pretty fun party. So,  me and my relatives continued the party train out that night because Gigi agreed to watch my kiddos. Public service announcement, if someone buys you something at a bar that is called a "liquid cocaine" I wouldn't drink it. Under no circumstance whatsoever would I drink 4 of them...just sayin. Also and little word of parenting advice, your children don't care if you got home 5 hours past your normal bedtime, they will in all likelihood still rise and shine at about 5:00AM, so plan your life accordingly.

Now the real fun begins. The snowstorm that was forecasted for Tuesday,  actually decided to make landfall Sunday morning. Normally I would have loaded up my crew and got out of dodge, but I had to stay for my niece's baptism that wasn't supposed to be until Sunday evening. We stuck it out, and by 4:00PM there was at least 2 inches of snow on the ground and only 1 snow plow in the county that appeared to be functional.

Normally my entire immediate family would not consider riding in the same vehicle the 7 miles to town, this was an emergency situation. So all the Griswolds loaded up in the Acadia with fearless Daddy Mike at the helm. My 3 year old had woken from a nap about 30 minutes prior to leaving in a mood that would make Osama Bin Laden look like Shirley "F&cking: Temple. He refused to put on church clothes and told me that no one was allowed to speak to him or look at him. Once I finally wrestled the church duds on him, he slipped and fell on the way out to the car and took a face full of snow. It didn't really cause any major injuries, but REALLY HELPED HIS MOOD.  Yeah....,not really. 

We set off with 3 year old Taliban and hungry 4 month old in the back (Didn't realize it was close to time to feed her until it was too late thanks to Osama.) Bringing up the rear was cranky 6 month pregnant sister and backseat driver extraordinaire Mom. The entire 7 miles, my  sister had anxiety attacks and was practicing some sort of lamaze breathing techniques, and mom announced every car and stop sign she saw in the event that the captain and co-captain didn't have EYEBALLS. "Oh Mike, it's a car, do you see it? There is a stop sign in 3 miles, why aren't you slowing down?"

 We made it through church with only one "I'm going to take you to the bathroom and whip your butt" episode between me and Tripp,  and I think Piper only vomited 2 times ON SOMEONE. Not bad...   Then Momma Karen announces that we have absolutely no toilet paper at the house,  and if anyone plans on wiping their a$$ in the next couple days, we are going to have to go to the store before we venture home. Nothing like waiting to the bottom of the 9th to check your A$$ cleaning supplies. So we caravan over to the store and after much a do, my mother comes out producing 1...I say 1... Four pack of single roll toilet paper. But Shepard of Judea, she bought Charmin Ultra Soft. In a family full of lactose-intolerant cheese addicts, that will last about 4 hours. Mind you, we were all down to our last set of clean underwear. 

The snow kept coming, and 6+ inches later we are stuck at the old homestead. This fine Monday morning so far, I have 

1. Missed work

2. Realized that my 3 year old used his one an only toothbrush to scrub up a cat turd he found on a rug.

3. Almost ran out of baby formula

4. Realized that the only baby food I have left in my bag is prunes (cue the bowel cleanse)

I am currently sitting here listening to my mom and sister scream at each other arguing on whether or not my sister is going to attempt to drive to work. My mom is saying that she is going to go ahead and call the towing company and see if there is just a charge to follow my sister into town to save them the trouble later of locating her. Apparently her punishment for being "an idiot that would drive in a snowstorm" will be that my mom is going to make her ride with the tow truck driver home. My sisters head just spun 360 degrees and I heard her call my mom by her entire God given name.

Moral of this story....never EVER underpack. There are worse things in life than being over prepared. Always anticipate to get snowed in with the Griswolds, if it doesn't happen, just consider that a bonus. More bad weather is being predicted for tomorrow. I've decided that I don't care if it takes a Humvee from the National Guard, I am finding a way back down south today, STAT!