My big 3-0 b-day was last week, but I had not made the trek back to the homestead to celebrate with my family yet. Mostly this is because with two small kids, I have to pack up half of my house to survive 30 hours somewhere else. Never the less, I maned up and decided to come Saturday to celebrate, since I had to be here Sunday night for my niece's baptism anyway. My husband had to work Saturday morning, so I was on my own to get me and both kids ready and the above mentioned half of the house loaded in the GMC.
Piper thought this would be a great time for her to scream at the top of her lungs for 4 hours, so I spent most of the morning with her strapped to me in baby carrier. This being the case, I decided if I could JUST get my kids ready and loaded, I would just wait until I got to my parents house to shower and get myself presentable. On the 2 hour drive there, we spent about 1/4th of the time on the side of the parkway with me crawling in the back to see if Piper would CALM THE HELL DOWN. Every time I crawled back there, my son would inquire....."But mommy, who is going to drive us?" Touche son, touche.
Piper thought this would be a great time for her to scream at the top of her lungs for 4 hours, so I spent most of the morning with her strapped to me in baby carrier. This being the case, I decided if I could JUST get my kids ready and loaded, I would just wait until I got to my parents house to shower and get myself presentable. On the 2 hour drive there, we spent about 1/4th of the time on the side of the parkway with me crawling in the back to see if Piper would CALM THE HELL DOWN. Every time I crawled back there, my son would inquire....."But mommy, who is going to drive us?" Touche son, touche.
After about 3 hours, we finally made it. I got everyone in the house and decided I would grab a shower. I got out of the shower looking like a drowned rat, and realized that some of my extended family had stopped by for a visit. I went on my merry way... poking along... putting my make up on and getting my hair fixed. Apparently I am so dense, that even after most of my aunts, uncles, and cousins had randomly shown up, I still didn't get it that anything was going on.
It wasn't until I was only half dressed, with wet hair, and makeup had been only been applied to one eye that I heard them start singing the "Happy Birthday" song. I mean really, did I just think that they all happened to show up for a visit for sh*ts and giggles???? I am so dumb sometimes. BTW, thanks for the heads up Mom! I understand it was a surprise, but you could have at least let girlfriend get her face on before y'all stared in with the photo ops. On a related note, NO ONE should ever have to see me in skinny jeans without my boots over them. Sorry relatives, send me your therapy bills.
It wasn't until I was only half dressed, with wet hair, and makeup had been only been applied to one eye that I heard them start singing the "Happy Birthday" song. I mean really, did I just think that they all happened to show up for a visit for sh*ts and giggles???? I am so dumb sometimes. BTW, thanks for the heads up Mom! I understand it was a surprise, but you could have at least let girlfriend get her face on before y'all stared in with the photo ops. On a related note, NO ONE should ever have to see me in skinny jeans without my boots over them. Sorry relatives, send me your therapy bills.
Minus the bad timing on my part, it turned out to be a pretty fun party. So, me and my relatives continued the party train out that night because Gigi agreed to watch my kiddos. Public service announcement, if someone buys you something at a bar that is called a "liquid cocaine" I wouldn't drink it. Under no circumstance whatsoever would I drink 4 of them...just sayin. Also and little word of parenting advice, your children don't care if you got home 5 hours past your normal bedtime, they will in all likelihood still rise and shine at about 5:00AM, so plan your life accordingly.
Now the real fun begins. The snowstorm that was forecasted for Tuesday, actually decided to make landfall Sunday morning. Normally I would have loaded up my crew and got out of dodge, but I had to stay for my niece's baptism that wasn't supposed to be until Sunday evening. We stuck it out, and by 4:00PM there was at least 2 inches of snow on the ground and only 1 snow plow in the county that appeared to be functional.
Normally my entire immediate family would not consider riding in the same vehicle the 7 miles to town, this was an emergency situation. So all the Griswolds loaded up in the Acadia with fearless Daddy Mike at the helm. My 3 year old had woken from a nap about 30 minutes prior to leaving in a mood that would make Osama Bin Laden look like Shirley "F&cking: Temple. He refused to put on church clothes and told me that no one was allowed to speak to him or look at him. Once I finally wrestled the church duds on him, he slipped and fell on the way out to the car and took a face full of snow. It didn't really cause any major injuries, but REALLY HELPED HIS MOOD. Yeah....,not really.
We set off with 3 year old Taliban and hungry 4 month old in the back (Didn't realize it was close to time to feed her until it was too late thanks to Osama.) Bringing up the rear was cranky 6 month pregnant sister and backseat driver extraordinaire Mom. The entire 7 miles, my sister had anxiety attacks and was practicing some sort of lamaze breathing techniques, and mom announced every car and stop sign she saw in the event that the captain and co-captain didn't have EYEBALLS. "Oh Mike, it's a car, do you see it? There is a stop sign in 3 miles, why aren't you slowing down?"
We made it through church with only one "I'm going to take you to the bathroom and whip your butt" episode between me and Tripp, and I think Piper only vomited 2 times ON SOMEONE. Not bad... Then Momma Karen announces that we have absolutely no toilet paper at the house, and if anyone plans on wiping their a$$ in the next couple days, we are going to have to go to the store before we venture home. Nothing like waiting to the bottom of the 9th to check your A$$ cleaning supplies. So we caravan over to the store and after much a do, my mother comes out producing 1...I say 1... Four pack of single roll toilet paper. But Shepard of Judea, she bought Charmin Ultra Soft. In a family full of lactose-intolerant cheese addicts, that will last about 4 hours. Mind you, we were all down to our last set of clean underwear.
We made it through church with only one "I'm going to take you to the bathroom and whip your butt" episode between me and Tripp, and I think Piper only vomited 2 times ON SOMEONE. Not bad... Then Momma Karen announces that we have absolutely no toilet paper at the house, and if anyone plans on wiping their a$$ in the next couple days, we are going to have to go to the store before we venture home. Nothing like waiting to the bottom of the 9th to check your A$$ cleaning supplies. So we caravan over to the store and after much a do, my mother comes out producing 1...I say 1... Four pack of single roll toilet paper. But Shepard of Judea, she bought Charmin Ultra Soft. In a family full of lactose-intolerant cheese addicts, that will last about 4 hours. Mind you, we were all down to our last set of clean underwear.
The snow kept coming, and 6+ inches later we are stuck at the old homestead. This fine Monday morning so far, I have
1. Missed work
2. Realized that my 3 year old used his one an only toothbrush to scrub up a cat turd he found on a rug.
3. Almost ran out of baby formula
4. Realized that the only baby food I have left in my bag is prunes (cue the bowel cleanse)
I am currently sitting here listening to my mom and sister scream at each other arguing on whether or not my sister is going to attempt to drive to work. My mom is saying that she is going to go ahead and call the towing company and see if there is just a charge to follow my sister into town to save them the trouble later of locating her. Apparently her punishment for being "an idiot that would drive in a snowstorm" will be that my mom is going to make her ride with the tow truck driver home. My sisters head just spun 360 degrees and I heard her call my mom by her entire God given name.
Moral of this story....never EVER underpack. There are worse things in life than being over prepared. Always anticipate to get snowed in with the Griswolds, if it doesn't happen, just consider that a bonus. More bad weather is being predicted for tomorrow. I've decided that I don't care if it takes a Humvee from the National Guard, I am finding a way back down south today, STAT!
Hilarious!
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