Grab your jaw off the floor....why would I ever even think about bad- mouthing one of the greatest creations ever???? Well, think about it. Rationally, don't all of us moms really have enough to do already without having to organize some imaginary pin-up board too???? Well, touche, touche my dears, because Pinterest has turned out to be one the greatest conspiracies of all time.
Conspiracy you say, why is that? Seems harmless. Magical little board where the 13 year-old girl in you can take the magazine clippings and arrange them into all sort of categories, its like an OCD person's kryptonite. Plus its free. No cost to sign up, create an account, or pin away your little heart. Harmless fun....WRONG!
Let's discuss some of the groups that have likely come together and made this their brain child.
1. Men-
Yes ladies, they may pretend to hate it. They may say they don't understand it either. They may stare at you blankly when you show them something on your humor board that makes YOU lose bladder control (seriously, you don't find that funny at all, are you alive?), but I think they could be behind it. Face the facts, men are the worst gift givers ever. Unless your husband has some weird girly gene in him, his shopping skills are probably much like my own husbands. Lets review his gift giving strategy.
- I need to get Tiffany a gift
- Maybe she will tell me what she wants
- Maybe she will actually buy it for herself and wrap it
- Oh Sh$t...gift giving holiday is tomorrow and no gift has magically fell in my lap
- I need to come up with an excuse to go to the store, since a reasonable husband would have had a gift days ago.
- I'm in a store now and the gift has neglected to fall off the shelf and into my hands.
- D@mn, time is running out because I told her I was driving to town to get gas (who does that, really?)
- Maybe this sales guy will know
- Okay, he's a bigger F*#tard than I am
- .I am going to get something expensive, although I know she won't really like it, but at least I have blown $300 on a necklace she will never wear. All girls like jewelry right?
- Good now that I bought this overpriced gift, I am going to look at duck calls
- I like to hunt ducks
Why is this important? Just look at your Pinterest board ladies. In all likelihood, you have a board that says something like THINGS I WANT or perhaps WISH LIST. There is usually even a direct like to click on and buy the d@mn items on there. Talk about a terrible gift givers dream. Boys, if you are not utilizing your womans Pinterest wish board, you are dumb, YOU ARE SO DUMB, FOR REAL~!
In the event that you have Amazon Prime, you can probably even get the above mentioned gift in a cool 48 hours or less. Sometimes I am not even done ordering stuff off there are I swear they will bring it to the door to see if I like it. Its probably those weird drones they use. You know what that drone did right before it dropped a bomb full of whoop a$$ on the land o' sand and those hateful Taliban...thats right, it delivered my size L Merlins Magical Sleep Suite straight to my doorstep. Oh, I digress.
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| Is Merlins sleep suit magical because it make the baby sleep or because it can make it from California to Western KY in 13.5 hours? |
Crafty Supermoms-
Okay, you know these people. They make everything you do look like the Dollar Store version of their IKEA. How about a chalkboard paint table made of pallets that simultaneously teaches your preschooler to read???? These moms just need to take a prozac like the rest of us and chillax. I don't care how many projects you have been able to make out of empty toilet paper rolls, it doesn't make you a better mom.
- While your busy cutting little tiny snowflakes out of the Charmin roll, I am taking my kid to Sams to learn a little life lesson about the self check out. (You want something done right, you do it yourself.)
- While you are crafting super organic homemade baby food for hours on end, I have already been to the store, bought the jars of organic baby food at Target, made it back home and have been having a 2 hours dance party with my kids. (Life lesson there- Time is the most valuable thing you will ever have, and some sh$t is just not worth your time. Dancing to inappropriate songs in your kitchen...always worth your time.)
- And while you are busy creating awesome sensory projects for you toddler, I am teaching mine to cook and fold laundry.(Life lesson- Everybody does their share if they get to live in my house)
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| My first and only attempt at a Pinterest craft project. I really NAILED IT didn't I? |
Skinny Heath Nuts-
How many recipes do you see on pinterest that are labeled something like this
PALEO CALORIELESS NO CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE BROWNIES
Newsflash....those suck. We don't do any half a$$ cooking in this house. If we are going to make some good stuff, the hell if I am going to use applesauce instead of sugar and bananas instead of butter. Don't tease yourself into thinking that just because something is listed as healthy on pinterest that it will be even 1/100th as satisfying as the real thing. Man up and make like Paula Dean....get the healthy desserts out of my face.
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| Tripp told his preschool teacher recently that they only things his mommy knew how to bake were rum cake and bourbon balls. |
Lastly..
Time Mongers-
These are the little mythical creatures that come our during the hours that you are not at work or asleep that steal little bits of your time and make it seem that your actual free time disappears like a non-Paleo plate of cookies. Hell, I am be on facebook for awhile, then just hop right over to pinterest and make a night of it. Pretty soon, its 11:30PM and I'm going to be expected to be up in 5 hours to care for the various crib midgets, furballs, and man-children in my house. How is it that four hours at work can drag like molasses in winter, but 4 hours in a pinterest/social media frenzy can go in the blink of an eye? Conspiracy....One of these days I am going to find this stash of all my free time, and maybe stored with it are my youth and my flat stomach.
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| Its like magic....POOF...4 hours is gone! |
You see girls, Pinterest is not for you. You just think it's for you. And that's how they want to keep it.
Well played, Well played you male, craft-tarded, healthy, time-stealing fools. One day I am going to come up with a way to get you back, until then I will be busy organizing my imaginary online pinboard for hours on end with a real sense that I have been productive. This mommy thing.....NAILED IT!
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