I Don't Clean My House...And I'm Proud of It!

Cats out of the bag...I don't clean my house. Take that statement very literally. I haven't scrubbed a toilet in I don't know when. Before you go thinking that I live in a filth hole, just know that I have a wonderful lady that comes and cleans my house for me once a week. To protect her identity. I'm going to refer to her as "My wife."  You like that???  I've always said I needed a wife.  Who needs to hire someone to cook, clean, and raise my kids when I can just get myself a wife for free. This profound statement ladies, is why in the year 2014, its still officially a mans world.

Why am I so proud of this fact? Its because there was one point in my life that I was embarrassed of it. Multiple reasons were in place for this. The main two were:
A) My mother: Who liked to make comments like, "A housekeeper? So now you are actually so lazy that you can't even clean your own house?"    Thanks Ma!
B) My husband: Who every time I brought it up told me, "We are too poor to hire someone to do what we can do ourselves."

The idea of having someone help me once a week in the cleaning department went from genius to LAZY AND WASTEFUL.  To further back that up, I'm not going to even throw out there that "I didn't have time to clean." I know that I truly did HAVE TIME. I mean, I work alot, but not 24/7. The truth of the matter is....The time I have, I don't want to clean. THERE I SAID IT!

I DON'T WANT TO CLEAN! Its nasty, dirty, hard work that needs done all the time. As soon as you get done cleaning something in my house, a kid, dog, or husband is right behind you to F it up again. So in case you are in the same predicament of really wanting to hire someone to help you clean, but feel like it would be lazy, wasteful, or expensive. I've got some tips on how to get over it!

Give em 2 mins that they can destroy pretty much anything.

1. Realize that its not lazy.
I don't want to gloat, but I'm not lazy. I'm actually a hard worker. I bust my rear end at work. I come straight home, don't ever sit down and start job #2- feeding, bathing, and raising my kids. Just because I don't want to spend the only days I have off work scrubbing toilets and floors doesn't mean I'm lazy. Maybe it's just human nature to prefer not to do hard labor on the few days off that I have a week.

2. Its financially smart
So, my husband will probably crap himself when he reads this one. ( Good thing, he will likely be on the shitter reading my blog on his iPad),  but I consider this a form of subcontracting. It's the same reason that a contractor doesn't single-handedly build, roof, paint, and landscape a new home. Smart business people realize that it makes sense to hire out certain jobs to experts, rather than utilizing your time to do them all yourself.  As a PA, I make a reasonable hourly pay. It takes my housekeeper 3-4 hours to clean my house once a week. I make way more in 4 hours than I pay her to clean. So, financially, I would be crazy not to hire someone. Put that in your excel spreadsheet Josh Bailey and smoke it!

3. She is better at it then me
When I am forced to clean, I do a crap job. I have no excuse for this at all. "My wife" however, is an awesome house cleaner. For Pete's sake, she even cleans under the couch ever week. You could bounce a quarter off the bed when she makes it. She has been cleaning houses for 30 years. She's good at it. My dear husband often gets ill at people who are not good at there jobs. When I tell him he needs to be more patient, he says "You gotta know your strengths." Well I suck at housekeeping, maybe I should stick to stomping out disease.

4. Its not a waste of money
To be honest, I have never been so damn happy to give someone money for a job well done. Thursdays are actually my favorite day of the week, because I know that when I am at work, my sweet little housecleaning fairy comes and makes my house new again. Its the one day a week, I look forward to walking in the door, because I know there is not a giant mess waiting for me on the other side. Is it so wrong that when I open the door and the smell of pledge slaps me in the face that I pee myself, just a little bit?

5. My husband will never really agree it's important
After many year of marriage, I have learned this lesson. Your husband will only think that things are worth money if they are, in fact,  IMPORTANT TO HIM.
Here is his thought process-
1. House cleaning is women's work
2. Tiffany is a woman
3. Tiffany should clean the house
4. I am a man
5. Cleaning the house is not my job
6. Why would I pay someone to clean the house when Tiffany can do it for free?
7. I like to sit an a blind all day a shoot at ducks
8. Its totally reasonable to pay several thousand dollars a year for a duck lease because "its the best place for a blind in the tricounty area"
9. We are too poor to waste money on things that are not important
10. Killing ducks is really important

See what I mean?  Your husband will never put value on things that he does not deem important, so just don't really ask his opinion on the matter.  At one point early in our marriage, he told me that if I wanted someone to clean the house I could take it out of MY money to pay for it. That statement made me want to put my foot up his A$$ crack. It also made me want to fix up a place in the living room that no one even dusted, vacuumed, mopped, or pick up. I was also going to put the cats shit box in that area too, then I was going to tell him he had to stay in that area since I was the only one benefiting from a clean house. Mostly because sometimes I' m just an unsavory b$tch like that!

No fighting ladies...he's all mine!

He has wised up since then.  So take his lead fellas,  a HAPPY WIFE is a HAPPY LIFE!

Surviving a Walmart Tantrum

I am in the beloved Walmart the other day when I witness an all too common occurrence. A momma, close to my age,  was trying to wrestle with her toddler that was in the throws of a stage 4 all-out meltdown. I'm talkin...screamin, crying, wallerin around, full-on tantrum. I've been there. Tripp was actually so bad that there are 3 times I remember leaving a cart full of groceries and just hauling ass out of there. I wanted to march over and help the girl so bad, but I'm sure she was unaware of my celebrity status as "The Medical Momma." In all likelihood, that would have ended up with me being arrested or something. So instead, I thought I would come home and blog about it!

So what do you do when your kid loses it at Walmart?? Lucky for you, I have some tips for you.

1. Prevention is the key.
It is altogether a bad plan to take your children to Walmart to do your actual "grocery shopping." Running in for an item or two, that might be possible, but if you are planning on going for a full on, push your cart down every aisle sort of trip, try like hell to find a babysitter for an hour or so. I understand that this is not possible for some of you. That blows. So moving on to more tips.

2. Use a stroller
Sounds weird, but if you are only going in for small items, I had more luck using a stroller instead of a cart. One reason is, those disgusting carts have about a 97.9% likelihood of a having a faulty or non-existent seat belt. If you can't strap a toddler in, you are pretty much just asking for trouble. Get a stroller hook and use it to hook a shopping basket or a bag to the stroller. Then bask in the glory of having your kid strapped into a device that also includes a cupholder for yourself (SCORE!)

Look who is so happy that mommy has a place for her Sonic Diet Vanilla Coke

3. Bring snacks
The number one reason my kid melts down is hunger. I have no idea why instead of just telling me that he is hungry, he just loses his #%*. I like to call it "low blood sugar Tripp." He's real fun, you should meet him. If you don't have a snack with you, get something from the shelf and open it. Just pay for it at the counter. If any Walmart employee tries to get scrappy with you about it, offer them a swift kick in the A$$.

4. Let them hold something
So I know that you can't buy a toy every time you go to the store. But Osama Jr doesn't know this. Sometimes,  I will let him hold something for awhile until he  A) loses interest or B) Its time to check out. At this point, you have to decide what a peace treaty is worth to you. Sometimes, I pull a fast one and mumble something to him about how the toy has to go take a nap back on the shelf. Sometimes, I decide that $11.99 is totally worth me not having to deal with a cash register freak out. Nevertheless, at least you have bought yourself some time to shop.

5. Never...I repeat..NEVER let them out of the cart!
So at some point, the little snot rocket will convince you that if they can only get out of the cart and walk beside you, they will behave. Well, THEY LIE!!! You do that, and next thing you know, they are playing a little game of hide and seek in the clothing section. Whatever ridiculousness is going on in your shopping cart, at least it is contained.

The one and only time I let him push one of these babies...he tried to mow down a group of elderly ladies in the deli area

6. Know when to fold em... A Walmart tantrum is not the time to prove a point to your kid. Before you start thinking I'm a pushover, hear me out. I am definitely not one to let my kid use me a whipping post, but I'm (wo)MAN enough to fold my cards until we get home. Let them think they won the argument while your shopping. Its not the time to drop the bomb on Hiroshima. If you want to go judge Judy on their a$$, wait until you get home. You are never going to have the upper hand at Walmart, ever. There is too many people watching. The cuteness of your kid is deceptive to strangers. You will always come out looking like the psychopath that forgot to take her happy medicine. 

7. Have a "sh*t is about to get real cue."
This lets the kid know you have moved on from mad, to angry, then over the edge to DMX mode .

"Y'all gonna make me lose my mind, UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE" (you know you are singing it.)

For me, it's the dreaded mom count. "1...2....then I don't know what happens at 3, but neither does Tripp. Apparently, he doesn't want to find out either.  I bet he thinks to himself, "this B can only count to 2 and a half." You CAN NOT over utilize this! It has to be the last straw before you throw the crib midget over your shoulder and get out of dodge.

Sometimes, no matter what you do, you can't prevent the Walmart meltdown. Mentally prepare yourself that at some point your child is going to assume the posture of an overcooked spaghetti noodle when they don't get their way. Just do your best to keep calm and not do anything that might get child services interested in your parenting skills. Eventually they will stop wanting to be seen with you in Walmart period, so there is light at the end of the tunnel! Until then, stand strong and don't to forget to swing by the pharmacy to pick up your Prozac...that stuff really makes life more tolerable. 

I Thought You Were a %$&# When I First Met You!

I have had an ALARMING number of people tell me some version of this phrase about their first impression of me. It's really baffling. I guess no one would ever truly admit they were a snot, but really, I'm not. Not at all actually. So what is it about me that gives people the "she is an unsavory b$tch vibe" right off the bat?

Thinking...Thinking.....Thinking some more....

Okay, I got nothin, but it did make me think about how my first impression of most people is usually wrong. Even the girls that are my BEST friends now, I didn't always start out liking them at first. So here are some of the horrible (and not so horrible) things I thought when I met each one and the surprising things I learned about them.

(Names are going to be withheld, but you b&tches know who you are!)

MOLLY
 I don't even think this one counts, because I have known her so long, I barely remember life before I knew her. She married my cousin. I think I was about 12 when I first met her. I remember being envious of how pretty she was, she seemed so perfect. Fast forward 12 years, I really didn't become great friends with her until about 5 years ago. I remember thinking when we started hanging out that she was just one of those people who always makes you feel like you have been best friends forever. She is a blame friend whore. She's probably got every 30 year old women on this side of the county thinking that they are her best friend. Damn her for being so warm and loving. Sometimes its nice to think that your girlfriends love you and pretty much hate everyone else, but NO CAN DO on that one Molly.

What I love about her: She is the first one of my friends to give me a hug when I need it.  As an adult,  I find that people get stingy with affection for some reason. She is warm, loving, sweet, and affectionate. If she wasn't so pretty, I would swear she was a Labrador Retriever.

ALICE
I met her about 5 years ago through Molly. I spent the first several times we were together pretty much thinking that she hated me. Mostly because she rarely spoke, but when she did it was always very quietly and usually only in earshot of Molly. I wondered, was I not pretty enough, or friendly enough for her?  Did I not dress the right way? Did her and Molly go way back and was their not any room for a new friend in the group? Well what I learned (eventually) is that Alice is very reserved about 95% of the time. In a crowd, she is a listener, NOT a talker.  She also happens to currently be in the running for mom of the year, wife of the century, and probably Sainthood.

What I love about her: There is this little tiny person that lives deep within Alice. We will call her Spicy Ginger. Ging only comes out every once in awhile. Sometimes all it takes is to get her really fired up about something. Sometimes it takes a sample of every single drink off the Jasmine Sushi Restaurant Menu. Whatever the case, its worth hanging around to see.

PENNY
Probably 4 year ago, I got introduced to her because she already knew Molly and Alice (casually.) My very first encounter with her, I was so INTIMIDATED! She would probably laugh at me to hear me say that now, but its true. She was cute, and really trendy. At no point in my life, have I ever been accused of being trendy, which is normally okay until I get thrown together with some cute trendy b%tch, then I start feeling all bad about myself. Actually, because she already knew the other girls, they had things to talk about. They new a lot of the same people. I really couldn't come up with anything to say to her that I felt like she would care about. I mean, who wants to be friends with someone that thinks tennis shoes go with EVERYTHING?  Fast forward...now Penny is one of my best friends. She is funny, smart, and honest. I don't mean that in a bad way either. Everyone needs a friend that is honest enough to tell you the real deal when you ask their opinion.

What I love about her: She can stare a hole right through you if she wants to...why do I love that? Well, lets just say you ever get cross ways with a scrappy B&tch at a bar that for some reason was wearing a referee uniform...your gonna want Penny with you ;)

ELLEN
Around about the same time I met Penny, that damn friend whore Molly brought Ellen out to eat with us. Although, I guess that doesn't count, because Ellen and Molly are sisters.  My first thought was...D@mn, she is loud. The problem with that, is that I am loud. So, I wasn't used to having someone else in the group that was as talkative as me. The more I listened to her, the more I realized that not only was she loud, but she also made me want to get in a straight line, stand still, and mind my manners. Turns out Ms Ellen is a preschool teacher. She is also super fun and an awesome girlfriend! She always tells it like it is and doesn't care who hears here.

What I love about her: She wears her heart on her sleeve. You don't ever have to worry about where you stand with her and I'm way to busy now a days to be busy with friend drama!

TARA
So I met Tara through Ellen. They had been friends for awhile. Tara was actually much younger than most of us and wasn't married yet. My first thoughts of her...."She seems like a sweet girl, but I'm not sure she is going to fit in...or why she would want to?"  Why would a sweet, quite, young, unmarried girl want to be friends with the mom brigade? Well, what I figured out is that Tara is an old soul at heart. In the time I have known her, she has gotten married, had a baby...and basically become another disgruntled member of the "unsavory bitch of the month club."

What I love about her: She is funny. Not in the obvious way, but in a way that I don't even think she means to be. Plus she puts up with us elderly women, so gotta give her props for that!

KYLA
She got invited to go out with our group one night that I was going to be out of town. I was kind of bummed I wasn't going to get to go, but I figured I would make it to the next girls night. After they went out, ALL the other girls couldn't stop talking about how AWESOME Kyla was. Kyla this, Kyla that. I hate to admit it, but I was jealous. They had all went out and had a fabulous time and bonded, WITHOUT ME! So even when you are 30, there is still some of that middle school girl left in you.  So the first time I actually met Kyla myself, I was on the lookout for flaws....ENTER OPERATION...SOMETHINGS GOTTA BE WRONG WITH THIS SKANK, AIN'T NOBODY THAT COOL.  After about 3 minutes, I realize I was so wrong. She is that cool, and fun, and thoughtful, and a hundred other things. About the only bad thing I found about her is that she is Northern as HELL, but even that makes me kinda smile to hear her talk.

What I love about her: She is the ultimate party planner. Actually I am convinced that she walks around with a bag of party games for any occasion that she can set up at a moments notice. (Did someone say, babyfood shower games??)

So there you go. Almost ever one of my homegirls, I didn't exactly have the warm fuzzies over the first time I met them. There is no telling what that thought about me the first time they met me. It probably was something along the lines of "This girl is loud, and opinionated, and unsavory as hell!"  Maybe they still think that about me? Who knows, but all that matter is they love me for it!
Shout out to all you crazy girls. BBC!

Diet Tips From A Fat Girl..... The reasons your not losing weight

Okay before you get all self righteous and say “Oh, don’t be so down on yourself, your not fat.” Here is the deal….in my head, I don’t really think that I am fat. My brain thinks that I am a reasonably medium- sized person. The problem is all the damn mirrors, and the cameras...Sometimes,  I look into a mirror or look at a photo of myself, and wonder who is looking back at me. Where is the tolerably curvy gal I think I am, and who the hell is this chunky b%tch????

Its not just me either. When I go into stores and I have to buy a large (or sometimes an X-Large),  its really hard to feel good about that. You every wonder…..if I am an X-Large, what do truly “large” people wear.  That being said, I have decided that clothing companies are ridiculous. There is no reason I should be made to feel big just because I have some meat on my bones.  Oh…and mirrors,  those are ridiculous too.

I have come up with some diet tips for anyone that is interested. Before you inquire as to why you would want to take tips from someone who openly admits to not being thin, let me clear this up. I am not saying that I actually do any of these things. I’m just saying that I know how to lose weight if I want to. Every day I don’t lose weight,  I like to look at like a conscious choice on my part. You know why I didn't lose a pound this week…BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO! That’s right. If I had wanted to lose a pound , I would have done it. You know that’s right, because I have O’Nan blood in me and we O’Nan women do what we want to do J

We O"Nan women do whatever we want!

• . Forget the word diet- its depressing, and I actually get hungry when I say it, so just don’t

•  Think about it like math



Its just an equation really!

•   You burn a certain number of calories in a day based on your activity level, sex, height, weight, and exercise. THERE IS NOT SOME SECRET FORMULA TO LOSING WEIGHT! As long as you don’t eat more than you burn, you will lose.
•    You can calculate your Resting Metabolic Rate online, then add to that the calories you burn from exercise. If you are super anal like I am, you can get a tracker. I personally love my Fitbit Force. It keeps up with a rough estimate of how many calories I burn a day.
• 
  
•   LOG YOUR FOOD!
•  I can not stress this enough. Even if you only do it for a short period of time, I think you must get a feel for how many calories the foods that you eat have in them. You would be totally shocked that some items have so many calories. Like a blizzard from dairy queen can be up to 1200 calories. Hell, that about a days worth of calories for me.
•  First just log the food that you would normally eat without trying to cut back any. I guarantee 99.9% of all people underestimate  the number of calories they actually eat in a day. I would up that number to 100% of people if those people eat out at restaurants at all. Apparently everything made at a restaurant is dipped in sugar and fat before its put on your plate. No wonder its so good!
•     I use the App MyFitnessPal to log my food. There are some other ones out there, but I think this one is pretty good and its Free. (See Josh, not everything I do cost money.) Its so much harder to put food in your mouth when you know you have to log it. Its kind of kills the buzz you get from slamming a fudge round into your piehole!
• 
  
• 
  
• Start slow
• a.       Weight that comes off quickly also comes back on quickly. That being said, the only thing worse an being fat, is being skinny, then getting fat again. So do it slowly. Try to aim to lose only ½ a pound to a pound a week. That way you won’t starve,  and you will see that it is doable.
• 
  
•  Manage your expectations
•  The first 2 weeks suck. No getting around it. You will be hungry, and cranky, and probably not any skinnier. You will want to give up. Schedule yourself a non food related reward for completing the first 2 weeks. Admit to others you are hangry. Its okay, they will understand. If they don't, screw em.
• 
  
• Only weigh once a week
•    Weighing daily makes me homicidal. It fluctuates too much. Pick a day of the week and only weigh that day, first thing in the morning. Log your weight either on paper or in an App like the MyFitnessPal Program. Resist desire to weigh on any other scale, at any other time of the day, or any extra days between weigh-ins. Trust me people, I'm not cut out for jail. 
• 
  
• Exercise
• Let me put a disclaimer on this one…. I really don’t enjoy excercising. I like it just about as much as I like manual labor, sweating, or the Turkey Trots.  The only reason I exercise is so that I can eat more.  I wasn’t cut out to starve.  By exercise, I,  in no way, shape, or form mean running. Running is so cliché. Everyone these days want to slap on some damn Underarmour gear and trot around like they have been doing marathons their whole lives. Then they post it on Facebook for me to feel like the only inadequate chunky non-runner left on the planet. Truth of the matter is, walking can be just as effective and I think it’s a hell of a lot less intimidating.  I will never have those little stickers on the back of my vehicle that say “13.1” or “26.0.”  I might, however, can a custom decal that says, “0…because running flairs up my fat girl asthma, but I can walked like a beast!”
• 
  
• Skip diet pills and supplements
• I’m not saying they don’t work or at least help, but I think that it leads to this mentality that you have to have help to lose weight.  If you start thinking about weight loss as some grand mystery that you are never going to solve without help, it will never become a reality for you.
• Prove to yourself that you can do it if you want to, without any help. I promise it will empower you and make you want to lose weight...just because you can, D@mn IT!

So there you go. You know why I didn’t lose weight today, its because I have an undying love for Mountain Dew and Fudge Rounds. But when I decide I want to lose weight, I know that I can. Who knows, I may stick with adequately chunky though, I’m not much fun when I'm HANGRY!

Snowed in with the Griswolds

Do you ever over-pack for a trip and then get home and realize that you only used 1/8th of the things you had been hauling around for days?.....I do, all the time! So, I decided that this weekend, I was going to turn over a new leaf. I was just going 2 hours away to go out to dinner with my family for my birthday and then to a baptism the next day. How many clothes could you really need for a 30 hour time period?????  Well, self...this was such a bad weekend to try to overcome your obsessive compulsive ways, because we have managed to get snowed in with the Griswolds,  and I am sitting here wondering if hell has finally frozen over. If so, I appear to have made the maiden voyage here.

My big 3-0 b-day was last week, but I had not made the trek back to the homestead to celebrate with my family yet. Mostly this is because with two small kids, I have to pack up half of my house to survive 30 hours somewhere else. Never the less, I maned up and decided to come Saturday to celebrate, since I had to be here Sunday night for my niece's baptism anyway. My husband had to work Saturday morning, so I was on my own to get me and both kids ready and the above mentioned half of the house loaded in the GMC.

Piper thought this would be a great time for her to scream at the top of her lungs for 4 hours, so I spent most of the morning with her strapped to me in baby carrier. This being the case, I decided if I could JUST get my kids ready and loaded, I would just wait until I got to my parents house to shower and get myself presentable. On the 2 hour drive there, we spent about 1/4th of the time on the side of the parkway with me crawling in the back to see if Piper would CALM THE HELL DOWN. Every time I crawled back there, my son would inquire....."But mommy, who is going to drive us?" Touche son, touche. 

After about 3 hours, we finally made it. I got everyone in the house and decided I would grab a shower. I got out of the shower looking like a drowned rat, and realized that some of my extended family had stopped by for a visit. I went on my merry way... poking along... putting my make up on and getting my hair fixed. Apparently I am so dense, that even after most of my aunts, uncles, and cousins had randomly shown up, I still didn't get it that anything was going on.

It wasn't until I was only half dressed, with wet hair, and makeup had been only been applied to one eye that I heard them start singing the "Happy Birthday" song. I mean really, did I just think that they all happened to show up for a visit for sh*ts and giggles???? I am so dumb sometimes. BTW, thanks for the heads up Mom! I understand it was a surprise, but you could have at least let girlfriend get her face on before y'all stared in with the photo ops. On a related note, NO ONE should ever have to see me in skinny jeans without my boots over them. Sorry relatives, send me your therapy bills. 

Minus the bad timing on my part,  it turned out to be a pretty fun party. So,  me and my relatives continued the party train out that night because Gigi agreed to watch my kiddos. Public service announcement, if someone buys you something at a bar that is called a "liquid cocaine" I wouldn't drink it. Under no circumstance whatsoever would I drink 4 of them...just sayin. Also and little word of parenting advice, your children don't care if you got home 5 hours past your normal bedtime, they will in all likelihood still rise and shine at about 5:00AM, so plan your life accordingly.

Now the real fun begins. The snowstorm that was forecasted for Tuesday,  actually decided to make landfall Sunday morning. Normally I would have loaded up my crew and got out of dodge, but I had to stay for my niece's baptism that wasn't supposed to be until Sunday evening. We stuck it out, and by 4:00PM there was at least 2 inches of snow on the ground and only 1 snow plow in the county that appeared to be functional.

Normally my entire immediate family would not consider riding in the same vehicle the 7 miles to town, this was an emergency situation. So all the Griswolds loaded up in the Acadia with fearless Daddy Mike at the helm. My 3 year old had woken from a nap about 30 minutes prior to leaving in a mood that would make Osama Bin Laden look like Shirley "F&cking: Temple. He refused to put on church clothes and told me that no one was allowed to speak to him or look at him. Once I finally wrestled the church duds on him, he slipped and fell on the way out to the car and took a face full of snow. It didn't really cause any major injuries, but REALLY HELPED HIS MOOD.  Yeah....,not really. 

We set off with 3 year old Taliban and hungry 4 month old in the back (Didn't realize it was close to time to feed her until it was too late thanks to Osama.) Bringing up the rear was cranky 6 month pregnant sister and backseat driver extraordinaire Mom. The entire 7 miles, my  sister had anxiety attacks and was practicing some sort of lamaze breathing techniques, and mom announced every car and stop sign she saw in the event that the captain and co-captain didn't have EYEBALLS. "Oh Mike, it's a car, do you see it? There is a stop sign in 3 miles, why aren't you slowing down?"

 We made it through church with only one "I'm going to take you to the bathroom and whip your butt" episode between me and Tripp,  and I think Piper only vomited 2 times ON SOMEONE. Not bad...   Then Momma Karen announces that we have absolutely no toilet paper at the house,  and if anyone plans on wiping their a$$ in the next couple days, we are going to have to go to the store before we venture home. Nothing like waiting to the bottom of the 9th to check your A$$ cleaning supplies. So we caravan over to the store and after much a do, my mother comes out producing 1...I say 1... Four pack of single roll toilet paper. But Shepard of Judea, she bought Charmin Ultra Soft. In a family full of lactose-intolerant cheese addicts, that will last about 4 hours. Mind you, we were all down to our last set of clean underwear. 

The snow kept coming, and 6+ inches later we are stuck at the old homestead. This fine Monday morning so far, I have 

1. Missed work

2. Realized that my 3 year old used his one an only toothbrush to scrub up a cat turd he found on a rug.

3. Almost ran out of baby formula

4. Realized that the only baby food I have left in my bag is prunes (cue the bowel cleanse)

I am currently sitting here listening to my mom and sister scream at each other arguing on whether or not my sister is going to attempt to drive to work. My mom is saying that she is going to go ahead and call the towing company and see if there is just a charge to follow my sister into town to save them the trouble later of locating her. Apparently her punishment for being "an idiot that would drive in a snowstorm" will be that my mom is going to make her ride with the tow truck driver home. My sisters head just spun 360 degrees and I heard her call my mom by her entire God given name.

Moral of this story....never EVER underpack. There are worse things in life than being over prepared. Always anticipate to get snowed in with the Griswolds, if it doesn't happen, just consider that a bonus. More bad weather is being predicted for tomorrow. I've decided that I don't care if it takes a Humvee from the National Guard, I am finding a way back down south today, STAT!