I Don't Clean My House...And I'm Proud of It!

Cats out of the bag...I don't clean my house. Take that statement very literally. I haven't scrubbed a toilet in I don't know when. Before you go thinking that I live in a filth hole, just know that I have a wonderful lady that comes and cleans my house for me once a week. To protect her identity. I'm going to refer to her as "My wife."  You like that???  I've always said I needed a wife.  Who needs to hire someone to cook, clean, and raise my kids when I can just get myself a wife for free. This profound statement ladies, is why in the year 2014, its still officially a mans world.

Why am I so proud of this fact? Its because there was one point in my life that I was embarrassed of it. Multiple reasons were in place for this. The main two were:
A) My mother: Who liked to make comments like, "A housekeeper? So now you are actually so lazy that you can't even clean your own house?"    Thanks Ma!
B) My husband: Who every time I brought it up told me, "We are too poor to hire someone to do what we can do ourselves."

The idea of having someone help me once a week in the cleaning department went from genius to LAZY AND WASTEFUL.  To further back that up, I'm not going to even throw out there that "I didn't have time to clean." I know that I truly did HAVE TIME. I mean, I work alot, but not 24/7. The truth of the matter is....The time I have, I don't want to clean. THERE I SAID IT!

I DON'T WANT TO CLEAN! Its nasty, dirty, hard work that needs done all the time. As soon as you get done cleaning something in my house, a kid, dog, or husband is right behind you to F it up again. So in case you are in the same predicament of really wanting to hire someone to help you clean, but feel like it would be lazy, wasteful, or expensive. I've got some tips on how to get over it!

Give em 2 mins that they can destroy pretty much anything.

1. Realize that its not lazy.
I don't want to gloat, but I'm not lazy. I'm actually a hard worker. I bust my rear end at work. I come straight home, don't ever sit down and start job #2- feeding, bathing, and raising my kids. Just because I don't want to spend the only days I have off work scrubbing toilets and floors doesn't mean I'm lazy. Maybe it's just human nature to prefer not to do hard labor on the few days off that I have a week.

2. Its financially smart
So, my husband will probably crap himself when he reads this one. ( Good thing, he will likely be on the shitter reading my blog on his iPad),  but I consider this a form of subcontracting. It's the same reason that a contractor doesn't single-handedly build, roof, paint, and landscape a new home. Smart business people realize that it makes sense to hire out certain jobs to experts, rather than utilizing your time to do them all yourself.  As a PA, I make a reasonable hourly pay. It takes my housekeeper 3-4 hours to clean my house once a week. I make way more in 4 hours than I pay her to clean. So, financially, I would be crazy not to hire someone. Put that in your excel spreadsheet Josh Bailey and smoke it!

3. She is better at it then me
When I am forced to clean, I do a crap job. I have no excuse for this at all. "My wife" however, is an awesome house cleaner. For Pete's sake, she even cleans under the couch ever week. You could bounce a quarter off the bed when she makes it. She has been cleaning houses for 30 years. She's good at it. My dear husband often gets ill at people who are not good at there jobs. When I tell him he needs to be more patient, he says "You gotta know your strengths." Well I suck at housekeeping, maybe I should stick to stomping out disease.

4. Its not a waste of money
To be honest, I have never been so damn happy to give someone money for a job well done. Thursdays are actually my favorite day of the week, because I know that when I am at work, my sweet little housecleaning fairy comes and makes my house new again. Its the one day a week, I look forward to walking in the door, because I know there is not a giant mess waiting for me on the other side. Is it so wrong that when I open the door and the smell of pledge slaps me in the face that I pee myself, just a little bit?

5. My husband will never really agree it's important
After many year of marriage, I have learned this lesson. Your husband will only think that things are worth money if they are, in fact,  IMPORTANT TO HIM.
Here is his thought process-
1. House cleaning is women's work
2. Tiffany is a woman
3. Tiffany should clean the house
4. I am a man
5. Cleaning the house is not my job
6. Why would I pay someone to clean the house when Tiffany can do it for free?
7. I like to sit an a blind all day a shoot at ducks
8. Its totally reasonable to pay several thousand dollars a year for a duck lease because "its the best place for a blind in the tricounty area"
9. We are too poor to waste money on things that are not important
10. Killing ducks is really important

See what I mean?  Your husband will never put value on things that he does not deem important, so just don't really ask his opinion on the matter.  At one point early in our marriage, he told me that if I wanted someone to clean the house I could take it out of MY money to pay for it. That statement made me want to put my foot up his A$$ crack. It also made me want to fix up a place in the living room that no one even dusted, vacuumed, mopped, or pick up. I was also going to put the cats shit box in that area too, then I was going to tell him he had to stay in that area since I was the only one benefiting from a clean house. Mostly because sometimes I' m just an unsavory b$tch like that!

No fighting ladies...he's all mine!

He has wised up since then.  So take his lead fellas,  a HAPPY WIFE is a HAPPY LIFE!