The Bikini Debate... Can You Still Pull One Off?

I think that everyone has some idea in their head that when it happens to them, it will officially signal the end of their youth. For a lot of people, that might be a turning a certain age, buying a house, or having a child. I like to be a little more practical about things like that, and I am a firm believer that none of those things really truly define you.

So what is it for me, that pretty much as long as I can remember, has signified my entrance in the downward spiral called old age.....

~The moment you realize you can no longer pull off a bikini~

I sh*t you not, my youth will wither and die the moment I decide that I can't get away with a 2-piece. So far, I have yet to look so nauseating to myself in mirror that I have took the plunge to old-lady land with a Miracle Suit.  This year though, I am one year older and one spontaneous vaginal delivery wiser. My stomach has now managed to accommodate 2 babies in the last 3 calendar years. The thought of me showing my mid-section anywhere but the confines of my shower makes me queasy.

Last year, this was a hot topic of conversation with my girlfriends. After much debate, we decided that you should rock a bikini until it is just absolutely inappropriate to do so, mostly because once you go one-piece, you can never go back. Its not like you go buy a one-piece on a whim and decide you are going to wear it intermittently with your bikini during the summer. Its an all-out, life changing event. Honestly there should be some sort of wait time like they have with buying handguns so that you don't run out and buy a Miracle Suit just because you are having a bad muffin top week.

This year, when we brought it up, I was absolutely shocked that about half of my friends immediately chirped up and said, "Yeah, I'm just going to go ahead and get a one piece." What the hell girls???? I thought we decided last year that we were going to stand at the brink of old age and give it the finger in our bikini tops??? Why is everyone bailing on me?

Oh, and before some smart a$$ decides to pipe up and say, "Oh, your problem is solved, that's why they invented tankinis." Just STOP YOURSELF!.  In theory, they seems like a pretty decent idea. Hide the tummy, minimize the jiggle, avoid the perpetual camel toe of the one-piece, but then,  you try one on.
For some reason, the designers of these so called "tankinis" forgot that generally when you are swimming you do not really want your boobs resting on your muffin top. Even if they have cups or padding in the front, the back is ALWAYS some dinky little piece of elastic that looks like it would barely be capable of holding my hair back in a ponytail. Plus, every one I have ever tried on is always very loose, even if its the right size. I don't need more rolls that I already have. Have you ever seen anyone wear a stretched out wife-beater and look hot...I didn't think so.

This girl is probably hot underneath this ill fitting, boob sagging tankini

So whats so bad about a one-piece?
 1. Anything that pulls at both your boobs and crotch simultaneously is just a bad idea. (Imagine a simultaneous pap smear and mammogram experience)
2. Most are freakishly high cut. So you would like to cover your midriff, in exchange for showing off a weird part of your hip bones that has literally never seen the light of day. If they are not high cut, they are called "retro" and they look like some sort of sausage casing. (The boy short look is not fooling anyone people, if anything it actually highlights that your thighs are thunderous)
3. I tried on an actual "Miracle Suit" once at Dillards just out of shear interest. It took me 20 minutes to get it on and an HOUR to get it off. Honestly, I got a little bit panicky. If it hadn't had a $100 price tag on it, I would have purchased it so that I could have cut it off myself in the privacy of my own home. Think about it...it was dry. Can you imagine getting a wet one of those off? You would need a lifetime supply of KY Jelly to lub yourself in and out of that thing.

Do I even need to explain why this is not attractive?

Let me just say, I have not always been happy with the way my body looks in the above mentioned bikini swimwear. I just never felt like I looked truly bad enough to make the plunge to the momsuit. I have even gone so far as to toy with the idea of plastic surgery. Listen, big momma ain't too proud to get her tummy tucked. To be fair, I did try crunches for, like, A DAY, before I decided that I was going start Googling prices for an abdominoplasty.

 I am kind of embarrassed to admit this, but when I'm somewhere that other people have on bathing suits, I always try to find women that I think are my shape and size and try to decide how disgusting they actually look. When I look at myself, my eyes go directed to the areas that I hate, so I know that I am for sure my biggest critic. It would be nice to see my swimsuit, on someone with my body, that wasn't me, so I could decide if I needed to keep complimentary anti-nausea medication by the poolside.

Anti-emetic anyone????

Well, I'm still up the air about it, but so far this is where I''m at....
I'm 30 (Its the new 21, read my blog post about it),
I have two kids and could look WAY worse (Go to Walmart people and get a visual affirmation of that)
All the cute suits I find are bikinis

Odds are, if you see me this summer,  I will be rocking the two-piece,  So, grab your Phenergan B%TCH#S, big momma is hitting the Oakhill Pool and Racquet Club, muffin top and all!!!!