The Starfish Story

When I became a Physician Assistant 10 years ago, I had to go through a year of "clinical training."  Basically that meant, that every 6 weeks, I would move to another clinic or hospital with another preceptor (PA, Nurse Practitioner, or MD) that would teach me and let me follow them around.

Most of the time, I didn't know a soul, had no idea how to do anything, or where anything was, and felt generally lost.   By the time I started feel like I had gotten my bearings, it was time to move on to the next rotation. 

Some of my preceptors were willing to teach me, but some were not as willing or happy to have me around.  I was young and ready to learn.  I imagine they were not happy to have me following their every step.  I try to remember this each time a take on a PA or NP student.  

It's a rough year.  It's like having a brand new job every 6 weeks that you are not paid for, and you are rarely wanted.  Most of the time, you are offered little to no training, because you are not someone who is going to be around for the long-haul.  It was probably one of the roughest and most rewarding years of my life. 

I got very lucky.  My very first preceptor was an very sweet man, and he took the time to teach me how things were done.  Although I had spent the entire first year of PA school studying hard, I came out of school with not the slightest idea of how to write a hospital progress note or many other basic skills.   Late one evening, he sat down with me and showed me the correct way to write a progress note on a scrap piece of paper.  

I still have that scrap piece of paper.   I have spent the last 10 years working in internal and hospital medicine, and since that day, I have probably written thousands of hospital progress notes.   I will never forget the kindness of those 10 minutes it took him to sit down and explain to me something that I would use for the next 10 years. 

At the end of my rotation, I wanted to give him a gift.  I didn't have a lot of money at that time, but I framed a picture of "The Starfish Story" and gave it to him.  I glued a small starfish to the frame.  

Then I made one for myself.   Looking back, it looks like something an elementary school child might have made, but that's okay.  

If you have read "The Starfish Story," you realize that what I was trying to tell him is that

HE MADE A DIFFERENCE FOR ME.

 As a teacher or healthcare provider, you spend a great majority of your life trying to reach people that seem unreachable. It is frustrating and hard, and there are days where you wonder if anything you do makes a difference at all.   There are days I still come home and wonder why I chose to do this profession.  Those are the days that I come home and read the story that I framed over 10 years ago to remind myself that my job is worth it, even if I only help one person. 

So, thank you Dr Adams. You are a kind man with a good heart.  You threw me into the water when I had washed ashore. You made a difference to me. In turn, I have spent my life trying to make a difference to others. 

~Tiffany Bailey PA-C 

"The Starfish Story" 

While walking along a beach, an elderly gentleman saw someone in the distance leaning down, picking something up and throwing it into the ocean.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, picking up starfish one by one and tossing each one gently back into the water.

He came closer still and called out, “Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?”

The young man paused, looked up, and replied “Throwing starfish into the ocean.”

The old man smiled, and said, “I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?”

To this, the young man replied, “The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them in, they’ll die.”

Upon hearing this, the elderly observer commented, “But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can’t possibly make a difference!”

The young man listened politely. Then he bent down, picked up another starfish, threw it into the back into the ocean past the breaking waves and said,

“It made a difference for that one.”

Adapted from the original story by Loren Eiseley

Kids and Summertime Electronics

Summer is here! For kids that means, NO SCHOOL, NO HOMEWORK, and most of all NO REGIMEN. This turns my house (which is already a circus), in to an absolute cluster. The problem is, although the schedule changes for the kids, it really doesn't change that much for mom and dad. We still work every single day. Add to that, baseball season ramps up, so then we are squealing around on two wheels trying to get everyone to practice and games on time. 

Now before you go getting the pre-conceived notion that I am one of these crazy sports parents (well I might be crazy, but that is beside the point), I do not focus my entire life around my kids sporting events. However, I do think that it is important to teach your child that if you make a commitment to anything, whether or not that is a team, a club, a group, or whatever that might be, that you stick with it and show up.

 So, the other morning after the 4th time I had asked my children to put their shoes on so I wouldn't be obscenely late for work, they finally pulled their head out of their "electronic devices" and I got a blank stare from both of them... I had visions of going postal on their iPads. I was thinking circa 1999 Office Space printer melt down. #PCLoadLetter #WTFdoesthatmean. By the way if you have no idea what I am talking about, you have missed out on a really sweet action movie, and I suggest that you rectify this problem immediately.
 

             

When I posted on Facebook about my little daydream about having a psychotic episode on my children's technology, I must not have been alone. Lots of others chimed in with some great idea on how to keep the electronics problem in check, and other contributed some awesome quotes from the movie.  ( All were appreciated.) I wanted to share some of those ideas here, along with some other ways to keep your sanity this summer. 

These are just the rules at my house. Every house is totally different and no two houses will work with the same rules. These are just ideas to start from. 

1. No electronics at the table or while eating. (All food is eaten at the table) Adults are included in this too. I don't think it's fair to ask the children not to have their iPads if I am staring at my phone. (Someone also suggested have a box to put electronics in during meals if this was an issue.)

2. No electronics in the mornings.  I haven't implemented this yet, but I feel it coming. We struggle to get out the door every morning, and half the time it's because I have to ask the kids to do things multiple times to actually get them done. 

3. Keep a schedule, including naps as intact as possible.  Humans are creatures of habit, and we all function better when we are in a routine. As much as we can, we try to keep wake up, nap, and bedtime roughly the same, even in the summer.

4. Replace homework with chores for the summer. So, the whole point of being a parent is to raise your child into being a card carrying member of the working society eventually.  Children need to learn that everyone has to contribute to make a household run.  Because I love y’all, I have made a downloadable chore list that you can print and customize for your children.  Once they complete their chores, then perhaps they can play with their "electronics".    

5. We still keep our night routine the same, by rubbing everyone down with  Sleepytime Cream, spraying the beds with No More Monsters Spray, and we make every attempt to try to get 8 hours of sleep.  Now that my kids are a little older and they will generally sleep through the night (thank goodness, there were about 6 straight years that I don't know if I ever got a solid night of sleep), I cherish every minute of rest that I get.  We all sleep so much better when we keep this routine going!

Chores don't have to be hand scrubbing the floors either, even young kids can do the most basic things just to learn they have to contribute.   Now I know what you are thinking....Why would I want to give my 3 year old a job, when it will take 3 hours to complete and then I will just have to redo it? Well, I totally get the OCD factor, but here are some good links for ages appropriate chore lists.

 https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting-challenges/motivating-kids-to-clean-up/age-appropriate-chores

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/school-thought/201411/age-appropriate-chores-children

BTW...this parent is a #boss

If you have other ideas or ways that you keep your family sane during the summer, we would love to hear them!  Don't keep that stuff to yourself, please share and comment below!

 Here is the chore chart that you can print and customize- Enjoy!

Printable Chore Chart Click Here

 

Customer Service Fail: The Backwards Bathing Suit

Here at the Medical Mommas, we do our best to treat customers like family.  We know that issues will come up from time to time, but our motto is to treat people like we would want to be treated.  At the end of the day, if we do that, everyone is happy.

Just because I love ya'll, and everyone needs a good laugh at my expense,  I am going to share with you this example of how customer service can go horribly wrong.  :)   

It started out when I decided I was going to try to buy what appeared to be a cute bathing suit off an online website.   Granted, it was only about $25, so I didn't know how high quality it would be, but I thought that even if I could wear it for one season that might be worth it. 

I checked out the measuring guide and return policy and decided to order. It took a really long time to get to me- about 2 weeks.   No biggie, I wasn't in a hurry, but when it finally arrived I opened it up to see how it was going to look. 

Now trying on bathing suits is no task for the faint of heart. I had prepared myself that it might not be as flattering as the size 0 model with zero cellulite they had wearing it in the photo, but.....   When I went to pull it up I noticed something was very wrong.    What in the fresh hell was going on?  It was kind of like a thong but not really. Then in the front, it looked like boyshorts almost, but not really covering my lady parts in a way you would like them covered in front of total strangers at a pool. WTF?

I took it off and laid it on my bed and as I looked really hard at it I figured out exactly what the problem was.  It was backward!   The crotch was in the back where the butt should be.  Now, this is a one-piece suit, so clearly, this was not just be doing dumb and putting it on wrong. 

There was another bathing suit I had ordered as well.  It was also a one piece. When I tried it one, the cups came about the level of my ribs.  It was made for a person with a freakishly short torso.  Needless to say, that bad boy wasn't covering up these boobs.  I have one word for you OBSCENE.   Don't nobody want to see all of that! NOBODY. 

So naturally, I emailed the company and told them my predicament to see what the next logical step was to try to correct the issue. 

 

So here is the first email I get back. I love how they offer that I could just keep the suit and give it to my friend.  Hmmm. ladies you are going to have to get in line for this thing or either take turns wearing it, let's not fight about it, there are plenty of days of summer for everyone to see this crotch in the back masterpiece on themselves. 

At this point, I am still trying to be a decent person so I reply back to them below. 

Now keep in mind I am a Physician Assistant working in Internal Medicine.  My off-hand use of the word vagina is honestly just normal everyday conversation for me.  My friend that is a teacher told me that she couldn't believe said that word so easily.  I told her it was probably like her saying the word "pencil."  

So here is what the customer service guru sends me back.

Uh...NO.  How about I already sent you $50 and you sent me 2 deformed bathing suits.  I don't think I will be sending any more money your way.  And your welcome Sophia for the "kind" email, because I am fixing to get unkind, for real. 

Honestly, I felt a little twinge of baby guilt when I sent this. I usually don't speak to grown a$$ adults this way, but seriously, this was getting out of hand.  

So here we go with the next email. 

 

My favorite part of this email is that they will not take it back if it is worn, damaged, washed or "smelled weird".   Seriously, is that even politically correct to say that in 2018?   Honestly, I thought it smelled a little weird when it arrived, but who am I to say what smells weird and what doesn't. 

So I checked on what it would cost to send it back to the address that they told me to send it to....$23 dollars.   The dang thing only cost $25 to start. 

 

At this point, I really had just accepted that I had lost my 50 bucks, because I was sure as shittin not shipping it back to them for another $23, but I figured I might as well see what they had to say since we had already taken it this far. 

Okay, people- Done. Finished. Over It. Bye Phelica. I don't know what you want to call it, but they got me with this one. Maybe it was just the straw that broke the camels back on the backward bathing suit saga?  I was ready to give them my final send-off. 

So friends, let's take this as a lesson in customer service.  Treat people kindly.  If you screw up, it's cool, just make it right.   At the Medical Mommas, we are humans too and we definitely make mistakes, but we promise to never send you a crotchtastically backward bathing suit! 

I Love Bulletproof Coffee

What is bulletproof coffee?

Bulletproof coffee is a drink consisting of brewed coffee, grass-fed unsalted butter and medium-chain triglyceride (MCT) coconut oil.

Bulletproof coffee is mostly popular with people following a high-fat, low-carbohydrate diet or a keto diet.

Why do people drink bulletproof coffee?

Generally, it is meant to be consumed in the morning on an empty stomach. It helps to curb hunger and provide calories without any carbohydrates. Each of the three ingredients has shown health benefits when consumed on their own. These benefits include: 

-Mental alertness

-Great source of Omega 3 Fatty Acids

-Vitamin A, Vitamin E, and Vitamin D

-Antioxidants

-Decreased food cravings

-Weight loss

What in the world is MCT oil?

Commonly extracted from coconut oil, medium-chain triglyceride (MCT) oil contains medium-length chains of fats called triglycerides. Due to their shorter length, MCTs are easily digested and many health benefits are linked to the way your body processes these fats. MCT oil has been shown to increase the release of two hormones that promote the feeling of fullness in the body: peptide YY and leptin. It can also be used by the body without being broken down first, which means immediate fuel for your muscles and brain. MCT oil has also been shown to support weight and fat loss. This may, in turn, help reduce your risk of heart disease.

Butter in my coffee though?

My first thought was yuck, but if you think about it, it’s really not much different than putting cream in your coffee.  The secret is putting it in a blender and blending it together for a few seconds. This makes a nice foamy froth at the top of the coffee. Generally, I also put a little liquid Stevia in as well for sweetening, but this is of course optional.

 

Disclaimer-  I do not use as much butter and MCT oil in my coffee as the original recipe calls for, but I find that this recipe works well for me. Feel free to experiment. 

How do you make it?

12 oz of coffee

1 TB Grass-fed Butter

1 tsp MCT oil

1 squirt liquid Stevia

Blend all ingredients in a blender on high for a few seconds, then enjoy!

 

Keto diets, in general, are great options for trying to decrease stubborn belly fat and can be a great way to kick start a healthier lifestyle.  

Although I do love BP Coffee,  I have since found it a lot easier to use Keto Kreme in my coffee in the AM for the same amazing benefits.  Keto Kreme comes in ready-to-use packs that you can tear open and pour, so you don't have to mess with the blender in the mornings.  That extra couple of minutes saved, plus not having to clean out my blender every day....it's the little things people!  

Plus there are several fun flavors to choose from- Caramel Macchiato, Sweet Kreme, Pumpkin Spice- just to name a few.   

The Stevia, MCT Oil, and (Bonus) Collagen peptides are already included in this super creamer- so I am not scrambling for all my ingredients in the AM. 

Parenting: The Fortnight Battle

Parenting: The Fortnite Battle 

If you have a child ages 7-18, I know you have heard of Fortnite. If you are like me, you have probably had long amazing ear-splitting arguments with your kids about this video game that has the ability to make kids go ape-sh*t bananas. If you have been living under a rock, let's just get you filled in. 

Let's start at the beginning. At first, I was a bit naive when my son (age 8) wanted to play.  Other kids his age were playing and although I knew it had violence in it,  I didn't feel like it was too big of a deal. In case you don't know all about this little gem, players (individually or in teams)  try to survive an end of the world apocalypse situation by gathering supplies and picking each other off. 

The big draw for my child was that while you play it, you can talk to the other people you are playing with (your team members) if you have a headset.  So $50 later, and a trip to Gamestop he was ready to roll. So unlike the Mario brothers of my day and time, the smack talk you can do during this game is not just limited to the kids that are in your living room. You can play with your friends down the street or across the world.  Welcome to 2018 right? 

My first mistake was not realizing that you could team up with anyone.  I mistakenly thought that you could just team up with the users that we gave him permission to be friends with, but in each game (the kids call those parties) you can have up to 4 players.   Let's say you have 3 players you know, then a random player can join you.  I realized this when I walked into his room, and there were grown-ass men (probably sitting in their mother's basements) using words so disgusting that I doubt sailers utter them shouting instructions at my son.  I promptly yanked the headset off my son and told them they were speaking to an 8-YEAR-OLD little boy with their filthy mouths. So after Momma broke up that little party the rule was NO RANDOM PLAYERS.  

via GIPHY

Then, I realized what a great deal of bullying that can go on with this game.  You can block and unblock people.  You can kick people out of the parties. Trash talking is highly encouraged.  Now, I know that kids can be mean, but for goodness sakes let's not encourage it.  Once my son was upset because a boy he played baseball with told him that he would block him if he didn't kick another boy out of a party. Seriously....I am trying to teach my kids to be kind over here!!! I think this game is just another platform to encourage this bullying.

The worst part of it all playing the game honestly seems to change my child's personality. He seems to get so engrossed in the excitement and action of the game, that he loses track of the way he is supposed to act.   He would be screaming at the TV like a psychopath then screaming at me when I would tell him it was time to quit playing. At my house, yelling at your Momma is a felony charge.  I know we are blessed to live in a country where were is a democracy and due process in all that, but those same rules do not apply inside my house. My house is much like an episode of Judge Judy where she is especially salty, and if you piss off the Judge with a felony like yelling at your Momma, I don't even want to get into what sort of things my children have to start going without (like iPads and Netflix...gasp!) 

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 I hate to be that mom. I know you can't shield your kids from the world and all the ugly in it. Normally that is not my parenting style, but after about 4 or 5 different times that he violated the few rules I had set up for him, I was time for me to put my foot down.   I told him he couldn't play for 3 weeks. Honestly, it was tough, and my resolve got weak at times. It didn't help that most of his other friends were continuing to play and telling him about it at school.   Momming ain't easy though, so I stuck to my guns. Eventually, he quit whining about it. Especially because everytime he asked, I said NO.   It started to get fun because I was trying to come up with how many different ways I could say no. #no #itsano #nope #noway #nothankyou #Idontthinkso #notgonnahappen

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The personality change was almost immediate. After 24 hours, my sweet kid was back.  I hadn't seen him a lot since he discovered Fornite. At the 3 week mark, he thought he was getting it back. Although I told him it was a 3-week hiatus, I decided that his overall attitude had improved so much that there was no way in HELL we were going back. You see, I AM THE PARENT, and I still get to make decisions as I see fit, even if they are unpopular. 

We are 2 years into our Fortnite rehab program and the cravings have subsided for the most part. There might be kids out there that can play it and not go nine kinds of crazy, but my kid just wasn't one of them. So parents out there, I urge you to pay close attention if your kids are still playing. Be. The. Parent.

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The Unspoken Rules of Choosing a Bathing Suit

... Well, I'm back...... (insert creepy voice here)!   Its been way too long since I have gotten to blog about Mommyhood.  Actually fair readers, I come to you begging for forgiveness, because I have officially made a mistake.  (Josh Bailey better write that down, because I make so very few.)

Last year around this time of year I wrote a post about the great bikini debate. After much ado, I had decided that I was just going to continue to rock a bikini for as long as I didn't get arrested for public indecency.   Well folks, let me just testify that the antidepressants I was on at the time must have been of superb quality.  I find myself standing at the brink of summer again with the same question on my mind..     Wear a bikini...or fold my cards and just accept that I have reached an AGE/BODY limiting time in my life where that is no longer appropriate. Lets settle this once and for all.

The rules for choosing your suit....



1. Use the same fashion advise you use when trying on clothes and apply that to swimsuit shopping.

Okay- seems reasonable. So in general, I know that when I shop for clothes, I try to cover the parts that I think look the worst and emphasize my best assets. So when I think about it......HELLO, a bikini is actually the exact opposite thing I need to be wearing. Ever since my second child spent all 9 months sitting on my bladder- it has given my stomach below my belly button the appearance of a deflated balloon. Nobody wants to look at that....hell, not even me. Bikini 0, Not 1



2. Wear the appropriate outfit for the activity you will be doing.

So my days of lounging in a beach chair using baby oil as a pretend sunscreen are over. If we go to the pool, there is very little chance I will be lying still with my arms stretched over my head (which is the only position that my body looks acceptable in a bikini. Nowadays I am generally bending, squatting, jumping, and doing other various contortionist moves to chase after my kids,  Once I tried on a bikini in Dillard's and did the jump and squat test. I got a little nauseated, the attendant in Dillard's got a little freaked out that there was someone jumping and squatting in the dressing room. All in all, the cover it up wins.



3. Figure out why this is such a big deal to you...

I have this complex that officially retiring my bikini is the end of my youth. Why is that, you say?   Mostly because every time I tell my mom that think I am not wearing a bikini this year, she says something to the effect of, "Well, if you are not going to wear a bikini, you might as well not even put on a bathing suit. Maybe they make a swim moo moo you can buy."   This is largely her feeling about life because she is a child of the 70's that values minimal swimsuit coverage and starving yourself skinny. When I look back at pictures taken back in her day, girls were all skinny. Almost freakishly skinny.  Well guess what Karen, I'm from generation X/Y. We have figured out how delightful it is not the be starving.  Women now don't get to spend there postpartum period at home doing jazzercise tapes and toning their thighs along with Suzanne Summers. I waited until the end of my 11 hour work day to waddle down to labor and delivery and squeeze out my first kid, then 6 weeks later I was back at it.  Its a totally different ballgame now. New rules! New Bodies!

Does this scary anyone else??????

4. Life is too short to wear uncomfortable clothes

Somewhere in the last several years I have adopted a new life motto which is....

"Life is too short to wear non stretchy pants."   I think that all of us ladies should unite and take a vow we will never buy another pair of uncomfortable pants again. The menfolk did it some time ago and look at how far it has gotten them in life. Likewise, bathing suits should be comfortable, stretchy, and shouldn't require you to suck in your stomach the entire time you wear them. To test out this theory, I wore a tankini the other day for a quick (CHILLY) dip with my kids.  Not once, did I think about whether or not my stomach was jiggling or my muffin top was showing. It was actually kind of freeing to know that my body can actually look like a mothers body should look underneath my swimsuit and IT'S NO ONES BUSINESS BUT MY OWN!



5. Don't Over Think It

Great advice you say from someone that I has spent the last several years arguing with the voices in her head on whether or not to where a two piece. In all seriousness though, like most things in life, it is all about confidence. Have you ever seen some of the sh*t that models in the fashion industry wear?  How come they can wear something complete ridiculous and convince everyone that its a trend.....CONFIDENCE!   If you THINK you look good in whatever attire you have on, then that good JUJU is going make you look good no matter what you are wearing.

Talk about bringing the shoulder pads back

So what I am going to wear this year....Hell I don't know.  I went to the pool last weekend in my brand new tankini and found that I might as well been wearing a straight jacket with a chastity belt on it. I think me and one Grandmother where the only ones not in a bikini that day.  I felt quite overdressed!



Moral of the story, whatever you decide this year, just make sure you feel good in it and then rock that SH*T!!!!

If My Toddler Could Talk

Well she can talk...kinda.  Mostly,  it's a few recognizable words mixed in with alot of high pitched shrieking and occasional grunting. Nevertheless, I guess she gets her point across.  At 15 months old, she has become one opinionated and impatient little thing. Not to say that I'm surprised or anything, because,  by far, my least favorite stage of child-rearing so far has been TODDLERHOOD!  Everyone makes all this fuss about 2 year olds, but 14-24 months has to be the worst in my book.  Lots of reason for this really, but mainly because you are now dealing with a little person with needs and wants, that, pretty much, has no way to communicate those needs or wants to you.  They also have no control over anything in their life. You decide when they eat, what they eat, when they bath, when they play. No wonder the little sh$ts start trying to take matters into their own hands.  So just for fun, (and also in an attempt to hang on to my last shred of sanity), I like to pretend that my toddler can have full on adult conversations with me.

It goes a little something like this....(At least in my head)

During meals:

Me:  Piper, I really wish you wouldn't throw food on the floor. 

Piper:   Well, I really wish I had full control of my bowels, but we don't always get what we want now do we?

Me: Seriously, if you don't want the food, just leave it on your tray. Dont throw it down.

Piper: I'm tired of looking at it though.

Me: Close your eyes

Piper: Seriously mom, if I don't keep throwing food down to the dogs, how am I going to keep up this charade that I am the queen and they are my peasants?

Fighting over the sippy cup:
Me. Please don't turn your sippy upside down and spill milk everywhere.

Piper: But look how much fun it is Ma!   MAKE IT RAIN MILK B#TCH%S!!!!

Me: When you do that, the milk dries and ends up smelling like a dirty A$$. 

Piper: And that concerns me...how?

Me: D@mnit, just quit. I'm never going to be able to drink milk again.

Piper: I've been meaning to tell you anyway that you should probably switch over to water. You know...minute on the lips, lifetime on the hips.

Going to her Dad when I make her mad:

Me: Piper, your Daddy is not going to let you spill milk all over the place either.

Piper: (Lays head in Daddy's lap and gives him the sad eyes.)

Me: That trick is not going to work

Piper: Sure it is, have you met this guy? He does whatever I want as long as I will stop crying. Just try it. Its super easy. Just dump milk on his head and when he yells at you, stick your lip out and make it quiver just a bit. If all else fails, you actually have to turn on the waterworks. In like half a minute, he will meet my every demand as long as I cut the crying.

Fighting with her older brother:

Me: Kids please stop fighting with each other.

Piper: (Backhands older brother across the face)

Me: PIPER ANNALISE BAILEY, you do not do that to your Bubba!!!

Piper:  (Starts wailing uncontrollably)

Old Brother:  Momma, look what you have done to the baby, you have made her cry. Its okay baby, I will hold you. Momma's mean!

Me: WTF?????

Wrestling with her to change diaper:

Me: Quit trying to roll over when I change your diaper, you are going to get poop everywhere.

Piper: Not happening (While trying to roll over)

Me: What purpose does this serve? You don't even like having a dirty diaper on.

Piper: I've just reached a stage in my life where all your rules feel very confining. I'm trying to express myself. 

Me: What??? By getting shit everywhere?

Piper: Well, sometimes sh%t happens when you are trying to make a point.   Get it?? Sh%t happens. BAHAHAHAHA.

Trying to get her to quit climbing up on everything:

Me: You are going to fall if you keep climbing up on ________(feel free to insert any household object)

Piper: I am just trying to get some fresh air up here, plus haven't you ever heard of the saying, "What goes up, must stay up." 

Me: No, it's "What goes up, must come down." And in your case,  it will probable be come down head-first because you seem to be top heavy. 

Piper: Speak for yourself there Dolly Parton Jr

Me: Well you are going to have to discover gravity sooner or later. I'm just going to let you fall. Go ahead......(waits about 3 seconds) Dang it Piper, get down from there before you fall!

Trying to do something on the computer:

Me: Piper please give momma a minute to get this done. 

Piper: WAHAAAAAAA!!!! I want to be picked up!!!

Me: Okay, come here. Piper:Dfjepwjgjopejwgojw

Me: Quit touching the keys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Piper: Featogn4wbgkfopdsg

Me: I mean it!

Piper: fejiaogreinreimaomeriom

Me: Just screw it, I'll do it later. (putting up the laptop)

Piper: Well since your not using that there computer, I was thinking it could be my turn now. 

Cleaning out her nose:

Me: Please hold still,  I'm trying to get all the boogers out so that you can breath.

Piper: If you don't mind,  can you leave some brains behind in case I ever want to become a functional member of society?

Me: You'll thank me later when you can breathe.

Piper:  I seriously think that you have a nose fetish. Honestly, it's weird.

Me: I just don't like to see snot running down your face into your mouth. It makes me want to vomit.
Piper: I am currently unable to vomit with this medieval torture device shoved up into my brains.



Trying to get her to sleep:
Me: Please please please...with sugar on top please go to sleep.  Why are you doing this to me?
Piper: Well, I'm glad you asked. Honestly, I have no idea, but I can tell it's really pissing you off, so I went with it.
Me: I have to go to work tomorrow, and all I really want to do is sleep.  Please give it up!
Piper:  Here are my demands...  a milk sippy that I can dump on you at my leisure, 2 pacifers (one for each hand) and a hard plastic toy that I can bang repeatedly against your head.
Me: NO! Not happening. Dont make me give you benadryl.
Piper: I feel like that would be very questionable parenting.
Me: I FEEL LIKE AT THIS POINT I DON'T CARE.



Constantly tearing through my house like a tornado:
Me: Why must you constantly take things and pull them out of drawer. Clothes, towels, ziplock bags for goodness sakes, you know I can never get those back in there right.
Piper: I realized early on that you have some weird OCD tendencies and I find this to be a reliable way to piss you off.
Me: I just cleaned that up. Please stop.  OMG, not the laundry I just folded.
Piper: I'm just going to throw this one tiny little washcloth down on the floor......WAIT A MINUTE....GOTCHA!!!!!!!!!!!    I F&#(%# them all up!!  That was fun, can you fold them again?

Who knows, maybe behind all that shrieking and grunting, my toddler really is just a miniature smart ass?   I think Shakespeare said it best when he said, "Though she be but little, she is FIERCE!"

If You Thought Ebola Was Scary, You Will Be Terrified of This!

Oh, you knew it was going to happen. The Medical Momma was going to have a rather uncensored opinion about this Ebola business.  I started not to write this, because I know that there are some people out there that have some rather strong opinions on the subject, but then I realized that has never stopped me before. So, here ya go!

Quit freaking out! Just quit. I'm not saying that Ebola is not deadly. Certainly it can be. Guess what else is deadly. THE FLU. THE IN-FLU-FREAKING-ENZA. Now that sh#t will kill you.  I promise. I had it back in 2008 when the flu decided to mutate before it made it over to the US, and the flu shot did not cover the mutated strain.  I spent about 7 full days in bed.  Not joking. I thought I was going to die. I didn't get up to pee for about 4 of those days because there was no fluid left in my body.  Every time my fever would spike to 103 or 104 I would just sweat it out.  It's really a wonder that I lived, considering the one and only Josh Bailey was my caretaker.  He mostly just peeked into the bedroom every 12 hours or so and ask me if I was still alive behind his respirator and HAZMAT suit.  I was 24 at the time and reasonably healthy.

This person does not have the flu

This pretty much what I looked like with the flu if I had the energy to actually crawl to the bathroom or dress.
 http://www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com

Every year we see people come in with flu and ultimately die. Mostly the very young and very old, but how about last year when the flu seemed to target people 18-49??? Guess what, some of those people died too.  I say all this to say that even though the flu is literally ALL AROUND US every year, we have not talked about it as much in the 12 years I have been in the medical field than we have talked about Ebola over the last 2 weeks.

My absolute favorite is when people claim they don't want a flu shot because...
1. "It gives me the flu"
2. "It makes me sick"
3. "It makes me catch everything all winter"
4. "I never take the flu shot"

Let me just give you a little free medical lesson. When you get the flu shot, a tiny bit of DEAD virus is introduced to your immune system. Once your immune system meets it, it spends the next 2 weeks mass producing a little army that stays alert and ready to fight the virus if it ever sees it. While your body is making that army, it can make you have some MILD flu-like symptoms, Its just because your immune system is working at such a rapid pace.  If you think a few days of some body aches are equivalent to having the flu, you are so very wrong. Even the flu mist nasal spray that is a live virus (the part if the virus that allows it to make you sick has been deactivated though) does not really give you the flu. Actually it does a slightly better job of helping you create your army.

Why? Why all the alarmist?  Why have 2 cases of Ebola in Texas become such a huge thing?

1. It's News
If this is the first time you have realized that the media likes to take things and blow them out of proportion, you must be dumb or just plain stupid.  I honestly don't watch the news much anymore, because I think they are all a bunch of fearmongers.  People like watching what is interesting. They are tugging at that fear we all have deep down inside us that some  plague-like illness that is going to sweep the globe.  Next week it will probably be that the new iphone is so freaking smart it can transmit Cholera over from third world nations. Take the news with a grain of salt. And a lime. And tequila.

2. There is no vaccine or "treatment"
Yikes, that sounds scary. Who wouldn't want to know how to avoid a disease without any treatment or any vaccine available.  Have you ever thought about the thousands of viruses out there that we have no vaccine or treatment??? Matter of fact, influenza is one of the very few viruses we have a way to prevent, and you fools won't take the damn vaccine.  The human body is designed to fight off these illness. It is just smart like that.

3. The public overestimates their true exposure risk.
Have you all every been in a code blue?  Probably not, but let me tell you... They are bloody. And there is usually some vomit going on,  in a fountain spewing style.  Intubation patients, placing emergency femoral or central lines, inserting foleys and NG tubes and managing dialysis catheters are all very messy procedures. Even if you are fully gowned and gloved, the likelihood of coming into contact with a bodily fluid is high.  So general public, let me just say, I doubt that even if you sat next to someone with Ebola on a plane, that you were dropping an NG tube down their esophagus. You probably haven't recently coded anyone in Hobby Lobby that vomited every time you did a chest compression (that actually happened to me once- In Hobby Lobby). Casual contact with individuals (even ones that have been exposed to Ebola), is very unlikely to spread the disease. So just avoid doing any medical procedures on anyone in the grocery store and you should be fine.

4. There are rumors floating around that Ebola is airborne.
Lets do a little math lesson. In addition to that we are going to add in a little common sense lesson as well.  Ebola has been discovered in 1989.  It has in all likelihood been around longer than that and we just didn't know what it was.  If it were able to be transmitted through the air, a hell of alot more people would have it at this point and time. Here is where the math comes in. Think of how many people you come within 6 feet of in a days time??? If it was airborne the number of cases would be rising in an exponential fashion.  Think about it, the main reason it is spread so easily in the nations of West Africa is because of there overall lack of appropriate sanitation and clean water supplies.  The only two people that have contract the virus in America so far were nurses that were taking care of a dying patient in the ICU.  If it was airborne, why did everyone that came into contact with that man have it by now?  (including all the of the people that were taking care of him because they even found out he had Ebola)  I seriously doubt that the ER and EMS personnel that helped that poor man had much on other than  (maybe) gloves.  Its not airborne. Chill out.

5. Sometimes the health care providers are just as clueless as the general public
I dont say that to make you lose faith in Nurses, Doctors, PAs, NPs, etc, but it is the honest true. I think that everyone would like to think that hospitals are made of highly skilled individuals that are fully prepared for every medical emergency scenario that might come there way.  The same way that I like to think that the flight crews on commercial jets would be cool, calm, and collected if I was every on a plane that was going down. The truth of the matter is that sometimes when the sh$t gets real, we are just human beings too. We get scared. We make mistakes. We really don't know what to do when something like this happens. I'll give you $100 if any of the hospitals I have ever worked in could have properly handled an Ebola patient 100% of the time. For the most part, I think that now if someone hit the ER with ebola, the majority of the hospital would go all Mary Katherine Gallagher start sniffing there armpits in the corner. (me included). We certainly wouldn't calmly just proceed with the outlined protocol.   You have read the nurses accounts from the Texas hospital. THERE WAS NO PROTOCOL. If there was, they didn't know it. So is really a protocol if the people that are supposed to be implementing it don't know what it is?

Get out of the corner. Quit rocking back and forth and sniffing your pits. Its gonna be okay. Ebola is definitely a serious disease. Just like AIDS or HIV. Matter of fact, there is enough people out there living with those diseases that odds are you have probably either touched or touched something that a an AIDs or HIV patient has touched in the last month.  Lets all just quit fueling this media frenzy and calm down.

Some of my coworkers so tactfully taped a picture of a ostrich with its head in the sand to my desk the other day. Keep in mind these are the same people that also hid on open packet of sardines behind my computer monitor, so their reliability is questionable. I dont think my head is in the sand. I am just trying to be realistic about this situation.  I have finally been able to accept in my 30 years on this planet that I can not waste my energy worrying about things I can not do anything about.

So make it stop people. All of it. Quite freaking out about Ebola and for heaven's sake get your flu shots! Me and the CDC will both thank you!

So You Think You Can Run, Huh?

Well I hate to admit it, but the other night something very unfortunate happened to me. It's unfortunate because I totally knew better. Late at night, when your baby is crying for no apparent reason, and you can not find the remote to change the infomercial on TV, Sean T and his get ripped quick antics start looking good. Do you want to get fit quick?   Sure!    Do you have 25 mins a day to better yourself?   Well, Probably :)

Yes, that's right people, I decided to order Focus T25.  Before you judge, I actually had legitimate reasons I thought it would be a good idea.
#1 I really want to get back into shape
#2 I have major guilt and can not possibly go to the gym if it means having to leave my kids with someone else. They already have to spend way too much time with other people as it is.
#3 As far as time goes, I felt like 25 mins was do-able for me.

I received my ill-fated workout program last week, and I was geared up to get started. I cleared out my sunroom, strapped on my workout gear, and put in the first DVD. About 3 cuss words in I looked up and realized that I still had 24 mins and 29 secs left in my workout.  I thought this was supposed to be fun. Fun, my a$$. Sean T, let me introduce you to the Mexican word of the day. JULY   JULY.  (Say it in a mexican voice, I swear it makes sense) It wasn't fun at all. Actually, I friggin hated it. I found myself cursing Sean T and just straight up refusing to do the moves on the video. Burpee you say??? MAKE ME!

Me after about 54 secs of Focus T25

Obviously, this was not the point of the video.  So here we are, 3 days in and I now have it listed on ebay. You should check it out if you are into pain or S&M, it will probably be right up you alley.


Why do I ramble on about my shortcoming with home workout videos, because I have come up with a few useful tips for people that would like to workout, but it doesn't seem to come easy for them.

Unless you are already at your goal weight and just want to add definition, all this plank, burpee, crossfit business does not need to be the mainstay of your workout. If you are like 99% of the people that I know and want to drop some weight, you need to focus on cardio. Run, if you cant run, walk. If you cant walk....well that gonna be a problem. Here is the good news though. Pretty much everyone can walk. It doesn't have to be fast, just start with a certain amount of time you are going to walk and go from there. If you stick with it, you will get faster, and be able to walk further.

I have been an avid walker for most of my life. I can walk for miles, but the moment I try to run, HELLO Exercise induced bronchspasm.  I literally can not run any distance at all without feeling like I am going to die. How does that work? I mean, I can walk 5 miles and can not run 1/4 mile?  WTF?  Well by shear process of elimination, I have discovered some things I have been doing wrong.

Can't believe that whole "home fitness" thing didn't work out for ya Ma!

1. I was trying to run too fast
I guess when I imagine people running, I was thinking of a sprint. Obviously you can only run at that pace for so long. Not long ago, I was reading a magazine article and the average individual working out. It said, if you are trying to run and you are short of breath, SLOW DOWN. Interesting advice.  I mean, it makes sense, but is that really running if you are slighty more than a walking pace.  Well, YOUR DAMN RIGHT IT IS! When I run now, if I get short of breath, I just slow down. Even if I am not going any faster than I would during a powerwalk, I am still exerting more energy with the jog.

2. I was running with my arms.
When I would start off running, I would move my arms and let my legs follow. It wasn't intentional, that's just the way that my body did it. Turns out, that would lead to almost immediate fatigue of the very weak muscles in my upper body. My neck and shoulders would get very tight and my head would start to hurt as those muscles tightened.  Pair this with the shortness of breath, and you can see where the "I think I'm fixin to die" feeling might have come pretty quick.  So, I have figured out that when I start to run, I just start moving my feet in that motion and let my upper body follow. I don't purposely hold my arms up or clench my fist.  I just let the motion of my feet naturally move my upper body back in forth.

3. I was doing it at the wrong time of day
Maybe not everyone is affected like I am by the sun. But, if I try to workout outside when the sun is up, I melt like something off of True Blood.  I just can't take it.  I pretty much wait until the sun is almost down and start on my walk. (or run if I am feeling froggy).

For real, this is Me after I spend more than about 2 minutes in the sun.

4. I was trying to do something I knew I hated..The treadmill
In a separate, yet related ill-fated adventure, I purchased a treadmill. I knew I wouldn't like it, because I have always been an outside walker. I have exercise ADHD....I get bored with the same scenery in about a millisecond.  So, like most other large items that you purchase and then are too much of a wiener to move, it became an $800 clothing rack. If you know you are easily bored, either walk/run outside or go to an actual gym where people watching can keep you busy for hours.

5. I was wearing the wrong bra
I am big busted, it's not a secret or anything. That being said- I never really felt like any padding would be necessary in a sports bra. I had always bought the plain stretch cotton sports bras without underwires or padding. These are fine to lay around the house with a uni-boob in, but to run, you are gonna need something more substantial to hold the girls in place. If not, you will end up with instant boob fatigue when you start jogging. (That's where your boobs are so tired of bouncing up and down that they give you bodily fatigue and perhaps, chest pain.)  I finally decided to invest in a very tight and slightly padded Underarmour sports bra that works perfectly. Honestly at first, it doesn't seem all that comfy because its kinda confining, but when you start the running business, you will be glad that the girls are locked and loaded. Buyers beware...I also tired on one of the new Victoria Secret sports bras, and it was less for exercising and more for using as a flotation device.

6. I was wearing the wrong bottoms
I generally would try to walk or jog in yoga pants or capris....don't ask me why,  that's just what I like to lounge around in. Turns out, a couple minutes of jogging in those things, you start sweating in places that ladies shouldn't sweat.  I always thought the running shorts with the little mesh underwear in them were kinda weird, turns out, somebody figured out they didnt like jayjay sweat either.


Disclaimer for d-bags- I am not a running guru. I obviously don't have it figured all out. I welcome any positive and helpful comments.

Any negative or douchy commentary can be placed at this site:

www.douchebagsanonymous.com

The fact that I am still trying means that I haven't given up completely, and that should count for something!