The Unspoken Rules of Choosing a Bathing Suit

... Well, I'm back...... (insert creepy voice here)!   Its been way too long since I have gotten to blog about Mommyhood.  Actually fair readers, I come to you begging for forgiveness, because I have officially made a mistake.  (Josh Bailey better write that down, because I make so very few.)

Last year around this time of year I wrote a post about the great bikini debate. After much ado, I had decided that I was just going to continue to rock a bikini for as long as I didn't get arrested for public indecency.   Well folks, let me just testify that the antidepressants I was on at the time must have been of superb quality.  I find myself standing at the brink of summer again with the same question on my mind..     Wear a bikini...or fold my cards and just accept that I have reached an AGE/BODY limiting time in my life where that is no longer appropriate. Lets settle this once and for all.

The rules for choosing your suit....



1. Use the same fashion advise you use when trying on clothes and apply that to swimsuit shopping.

Okay- seems reasonable. So in general, I know that when I shop for clothes, I try to cover the parts that I think look the worst and emphasize my best assets. So when I think about it......HELLO, a bikini is actually the exact opposite thing I need to be wearing. Ever since my second child spent all 9 months sitting on my bladder- it has given my stomach below my belly button the appearance of a deflated balloon. Nobody wants to look at that....hell, not even me. Bikini 0, Not 1



2. Wear the appropriate outfit for the activity you will be doing.

So my days of lounging in a beach chair using baby oil as a pretend sunscreen are over. If we go to the pool, there is very little chance I will be lying still with my arms stretched over my head (which is the only position that my body looks acceptable in a bikini. Nowadays I am generally bending, squatting, jumping, and doing other various contortionist moves to chase after my kids,  Once I tried on a bikini in Dillard's and did the jump and squat test. I got a little nauseated, the attendant in Dillard's got a little freaked out that there was someone jumping and squatting in the dressing room. All in all, the cover it up wins.



3. Figure out why this is such a big deal to you...

I have this complex that officially retiring my bikini is the end of my youth. Why is that, you say?   Mostly because every time I tell my mom that think I am not wearing a bikini this year, she says something to the effect of, "Well, if you are not going to wear a bikini, you might as well not even put on a bathing suit. Maybe they make a swim moo moo you can buy."   This is largely her feeling about life because she is a child of the 70's that values minimal swimsuit coverage and starving yourself skinny. When I look back at pictures taken back in her day, girls were all skinny. Almost freakishly skinny.  Well guess what Karen, I'm from generation X/Y. We have figured out how delightful it is not the be starving.  Women now don't get to spend there postpartum period at home doing jazzercise tapes and toning their thighs along with Suzanne Summers. I waited until the end of my 11 hour work day to waddle down to labor and delivery and squeeze out my first kid, then 6 weeks later I was back at it.  Its a totally different ballgame now. New rules! New Bodies!

Does this scary anyone else??????

4. Life is too short to wear uncomfortable clothes

Somewhere in the last several years I have adopted a new life motto which is....

"Life is too short to wear non stretchy pants."   I think that all of us ladies should unite and take a vow we will never buy another pair of uncomfortable pants again. The menfolk did it some time ago and look at how far it has gotten them in life. Likewise, bathing suits should be comfortable, stretchy, and shouldn't require you to suck in your stomach the entire time you wear them. To test out this theory, I wore a tankini the other day for a quick (CHILLY) dip with my kids.  Not once, did I think about whether or not my stomach was jiggling or my muffin top was showing. It was actually kind of freeing to know that my body can actually look like a mothers body should look underneath my swimsuit and IT'S NO ONES BUSINESS BUT MY OWN!



5. Don't Over Think It

Great advice you say from someone that I has spent the last several years arguing with the voices in her head on whether or not to where a two piece. In all seriousness though, like most things in life, it is all about confidence. Have you ever seen some of the sh*t that models in the fashion industry wear?  How come they can wear something complete ridiculous and convince everyone that its a trend.....CONFIDENCE!   If you THINK you look good in whatever attire you have on, then that good JUJU is going make you look good no matter what you are wearing.

Talk about bringing the shoulder pads back

So what I am going to wear this year....Hell I don't know.  I went to the pool last weekend in my brand new tankini and found that I might as well been wearing a straight jacket with a chastity belt on it. I think me and one Grandmother where the only ones not in a bikini that day.  I felt quite overdressed!



Moral of the story, whatever you decide this year, just make sure you feel good in it and then rock that SH*T!!!!

If My Toddler Could Talk

Well she can talk...kinda.  Mostly,  it's a few recognizable words mixed in with alot of high pitched shrieking and occasional grunting. Nevertheless, I guess she gets her point across.  At 15 months old, she has become one opinionated and impatient little thing. Not to say that I'm surprised or anything, because,  by far, my least favorite stage of child-rearing so far has been TODDLERHOOD!  Everyone makes all this fuss about 2 year olds, but 14-24 months has to be the worst in my book.  Lots of reason for this really, but mainly because you are now dealing with a little person with needs and wants, that, pretty much, has no way to communicate those needs or wants to you.  They also have no control over anything in their life. You decide when they eat, what they eat, when they bath, when they play. No wonder the little sh$ts start trying to take matters into their own hands.  So just for fun, (and also in an attempt to hang on to my last shred of sanity), I like to pretend that my toddler can have full on adult conversations with me.

It goes a little something like this....(At least in my head)

During meals:

Me:  Piper, I really wish you wouldn't throw food on the floor. 

Piper:   Well, I really wish I had full control of my bowels, but we don't always get what we want now do we?

Me: Seriously, if you don't want the food, just leave it on your tray. Dont throw it down.

Piper: I'm tired of looking at it though.

Me: Close your eyes

Piper: Seriously mom, if I don't keep throwing food down to the dogs, how am I going to keep up this charade that I am the queen and they are my peasants?

Fighting over the sippy cup:
Me. Please don't turn your sippy upside down and spill milk everywhere.

Piper: But look how much fun it is Ma!   MAKE IT RAIN MILK B#TCH%S!!!!

Me: When you do that, the milk dries and ends up smelling like a dirty A$$. 

Piper: And that concerns me...how?

Me: D@mnit, just quit. I'm never going to be able to drink milk again.

Piper: I've been meaning to tell you anyway that you should probably switch over to water. You know...minute on the lips, lifetime on the hips.

Going to her Dad when I make her mad:

Me: Piper, your Daddy is not going to let you spill milk all over the place either.

Piper: (Lays head in Daddy's lap and gives him the sad eyes.)

Me: That trick is not going to work

Piper: Sure it is, have you met this guy? He does whatever I want as long as I will stop crying. Just try it. Its super easy. Just dump milk on his head and when he yells at you, stick your lip out and make it quiver just a bit. If all else fails, you actually have to turn on the waterworks. In like half a minute, he will meet my every demand as long as I cut the crying.

Fighting with her older brother:

Me: Kids please stop fighting with each other.

Piper: (Backhands older brother across the face)

Me: PIPER ANNALISE BAILEY, you do not do that to your Bubba!!!

Piper:  (Starts wailing uncontrollably)

Old Brother:  Momma, look what you have done to the baby, you have made her cry. Its okay baby, I will hold you. Momma's mean!

Me: WTF?????

Wrestling with her to change diaper:

Me: Quit trying to roll over when I change your diaper, you are going to get poop everywhere.

Piper: Not happening (While trying to roll over)

Me: What purpose does this serve? You don't even like having a dirty diaper on.

Piper: I've just reached a stage in my life where all your rules feel very confining. I'm trying to express myself. 

Me: What??? By getting shit everywhere?

Piper: Well, sometimes sh%t happens when you are trying to make a point.   Get it?? Sh%t happens. BAHAHAHAHA.

Trying to get her to quit climbing up on everything:

Me: You are going to fall if you keep climbing up on ________(feel free to insert any household object)

Piper: I am just trying to get some fresh air up here, plus haven't you ever heard of the saying, "What goes up, must stay up." 

Me: No, it's "What goes up, must come down." And in your case,  it will probable be come down head-first because you seem to be top heavy. 

Piper: Speak for yourself there Dolly Parton Jr

Me: Well you are going to have to discover gravity sooner or later. I'm just going to let you fall. Go ahead......(waits about 3 seconds) Dang it Piper, get down from there before you fall!

Trying to do something on the computer:

Me: Piper please give momma a minute to get this done. 

Piper: WAHAAAAAAA!!!! I want to be picked up!!!

Me: Okay, come here. Piper:Dfjepwjgjopejwgojw

Me: Quit touching the keys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Piper: Featogn4wbgkfopdsg

Me: I mean it!

Piper: fejiaogreinreimaomeriom

Me: Just screw it, I'll do it later. (putting up the laptop)

Piper: Well since your not using that there computer, I was thinking it could be my turn now. 

Cleaning out her nose:

Me: Please hold still,  I'm trying to get all the boogers out so that you can breath.

Piper: If you don't mind,  can you leave some brains behind in case I ever want to become a functional member of society?

Me: You'll thank me later when you can breathe.

Piper:  I seriously think that you have a nose fetish. Honestly, it's weird.

Me: I just don't like to see snot running down your face into your mouth. It makes me want to vomit.
Piper: I am currently unable to vomit with this medieval torture device shoved up into my brains.



Trying to get her to sleep:
Me: Please please please...with sugar on top please go to sleep.  Why are you doing this to me?
Piper: Well, I'm glad you asked. Honestly, I have no idea, but I can tell it's really pissing you off, so I went with it.
Me: I have to go to work tomorrow, and all I really want to do is sleep.  Please give it up!
Piper:  Here are my demands...  a milk sippy that I can dump on you at my leisure, 2 pacifers (one for each hand) and a hard plastic toy that I can bang repeatedly against your head.
Me: NO! Not happening. Dont make me give you benadryl.
Piper: I feel like that would be very questionable parenting.
Me: I FEEL LIKE AT THIS POINT I DON'T CARE.



Constantly tearing through my house like a tornado:
Me: Why must you constantly take things and pull them out of drawer. Clothes, towels, ziplock bags for goodness sakes, you know I can never get those back in there right.
Piper: I realized early on that you have some weird OCD tendencies and I find this to be a reliable way to piss you off.
Me: I just cleaned that up. Please stop.  OMG, not the laundry I just folded.
Piper: I'm just going to throw this one tiny little washcloth down on the floor......WAIT A MINUTE....GOTCHA!!!!!!!!!!!    I F&#(%# them all up!!  That was fun, can you fold them again?

Who knows, maybe behind all that shrieking and grunting, my toddler really is just a miniature smart ass?   I think Shakespeare said it best when he said, "Though she be but little, she is FIERCE!"