If My Toddler Could Talk

Well she can talk...kinda.  Mostly,  it's a few recognizable words mixed in with alot of high pitched shrieking and occasional grunting. Nevertheless, I guess she gets her point across.  At 15 months old, she has become one opinionated and impatient little thing. Not to say that I'm surprised or anything, because,  by far, my least favorite stage of child-rearing so far has been TODDLERHOOD!  Everyone makes all this fuss about 2 year olds, but 14-24 months has to be the worst in my book.  Lots of reason for this really, but mainly because you are now dealing with a little person with needs and wants, that, pretty much, has no way to communicate those needs or wants to you.  They also have no control over anything in their life. You decide when they eat, what they eat, when they bath, when they play. No wonder the little sh$ts start trying to take matters into their own hands.  So just for fun, (and also in an attempt to hang on to my last shred of sanity), I like to pretend that my toddler can have full on adult conversations with me.

It goes a little something like this....(At least in my head)

During meals:

Me:  Piper, I really wish you wouldn't throw food on the floor. 

Piper:   Well, I really wish I had full control of my bowels, but we don't always get what we want now do we?

Me: Seriously, if you don't want the food, just leave it on your tray. Dont throw it down.

Piper: I'm tired of looking at it though.

Me: Close your eyes

Piper: Seriously mom, if I don't keep throwing food down to the dogs, how am I going to keep up this charade that I am the queen and they are my peasants?

Fighting over the sippy cup:
Me. Please don't turn your sippy upside down and spill milk everywhere.

Piper: But look how much fun it is Ma!   MAKE IT RAIN MILK B#TCH%S!!!!

Me: When you do that, the milk dries and ends up smelling like a dirty A$$. 

Piper: And that concerns me...how?

Me: D@mnit, just quit. I'm never going to be able to drink milk again.

Piper: I've been meaning to tell you anyway that you should probably switch over to water. You know...minute on the lips, lifetime on the hips.

Going to her Dad when I make her mad:

Me: Piper, your Daddy is not going to let you spill milk all over the place either.

Piper: (Lays head in Daddy's lap and gives him the sad eyes.)

Me: That trick is not going to work

Piper: Sure it is, have you met this guy? He does whatever I want as long as I will stop crying. Just try it. Its super easy. Just dump milk on his head and when he yells at you, stick your lip out and make it quiver just a bit. If all else fails, you actually have to turn on the waterworks. In like half a minute, he will meet my every demand as long as I cut the crying.

Fighting with her older brother:

Me: Kids please stop fighting with each other.

Piper: (Backhands older brother across the face)

Me: PIPER ANNALISE BAILEY, you do not do that to your Bubba!!!

Piper:  (Starts wailing uncontrollably)

Old Brother:  Momma, look what you have done to the baby, you have made her cry. Its okay baby, I will hold you. Momma's mean!

Me: WTF?????

Wrestling with her to change diaper:

Me: Quit trying to roll over when I change your diaper, you are going to get poop everywhere.

Piper: Not happening (While trying to roll over)

Me: What purpose does this serve? You don't even like having a dirty diaper on.

Piper: I've just reached a stage in my life where all your rules feel very confining. I'm trying to express myself. 

Me: What??? By getting shit everywhere?

Piper: Well, sometimes sh%t happens when you are trying to make a point.   Get it?? Sh%t happens. BAHAHAHAHA.

Trying to get her to quit climbing up on everything:

Me: You are going to fall if you keep climbing up on ________(feel free to insert any household object)

Piper: I am just trying to get some fresh air up here, plus haven't you ever heard of the saying, "What goes up, must stay up." 

Me: No, it's "What goes up, must come down." And in your case,  it will probable be come down head-first because you seem to be top heavy. 

Piper: Speak for yourself there Dolly Parton Jr

Me: Well you are going to have to discover gravity sooner or later. I'm just going to let you fall. Go ahead......(waits about 3 seconds) Dang it Piper, get down from there before you fall!

Trying to do something on the computer:

Me: Piper please give momma a minute to get this done. 

Piper: WAHAAAAAAA!!!! I want to be picked up!!!

Me: Okay, come here. Piper:Dfjepwjgjopejwgojw

Me: Quit touching the keys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Piper: Featogn4wbgkfopdsg

Me: I mean it!

Piper: fejiaogreinreimaomeriom

Me: Just screw it, I'll do it later. (putting up the laptop)

Piper: Well since your not using that there computer, I was thinking it could be my turn now. 

Cleaning out her nose:

Me: Please hold still,  I'm trying to get all the boogers out so that you can breath.

Piper: If you don't mind,  can you leave some brains behind in case I ever want to become a functional member of society?

Me: You'll thank me later when you can breathe.

Piper:  I seriously think that you have a nose fetish. Honestly, it's weird.

Me: I just don't like to see snot running down your face into your mouth. It makes me want to vomit.
Piper: I am currently unable to vomit with this medieval torture device shoved up into my brains.



Trying to get her to sleep:
Me: Please please please...with sugar on top please go to sleep.  Why are you doing this to me?
Piper: Well, I'm glad you asked. Honestly, I have no idea, but I can tell it's really pissing you off, so I went with it.
Me: I have to go to work tomorrow, and all I really want to do is sleep.  Please give it up!
Piper:  Here are my demands...  a milk sippy that I can dump on you at my leisure, 2 pacifers (one for each hand) and a hard plastic toy that I can bang repeatedly against your head.
Me: NO! Not happening. Dont make me give you benadryl.
Piper: I feel like that would be very questionable parenting.
Me: I FEEL LIKE AT THIS POINT I DON'T CARE.



Constantly tearing through my house like a tornado:
Me: Why must you constantly take things and pull them out of drawer. Clothes, towels, ziplock bags for goodness sakes, you know I can never get those back in there right.
Piper: I realized early on that you have some weird OCD tendencies and I find this to be a reliable way to piss you off.
Me: I just cleaned that up. Please stop.  OMG, not the laundry I just folded.
Piper: I'm just going to throw this one tiny little washcloth down on the floor......WAIT A MINUTE....GOTCHA!!!!!!!!!!!    I F&#(%# them all up!!  That was fun, can you fold them again?

Who knows, maybe behind all that shrieking and grunting, my toddler really is just a miniature smart ass?   I think Shakespeare said it best when he said, "Though she be but little, she is FIERCE!"